astrophysicist

astrophysicist
what a valiant uproar have i caused?
i know i can’t have my own cake and eat it
but what if i wanted to?
im the baker, a good girl on her worst behaviour
it’s shown in black and white —
the principal, the teachers, my mother, and me:
all face to face for fear of failure?
i’d already failed once, as they pointed out,
failed to meet expectations once again that too.
a little more time did i get, i could’ve done wonders!
just maybe one wrong decision,
or two dilemmas to deliberate,
where a young girl tormented by the world
set her priorities wrongly,
was this going to take her life too?
as it almost took her friend’s, had she not saved her?
what a bland farewell i bade
to the dreams i’d once engraved in my wall as a kid
someone wanted to be an astrophysicist?
more like as-if-i-told-you-you’d-make-it-onto-the-list
to all that i’d worked for and more, i’ll raise a toast
i couldn’t care more, because words don’t bleed
except my heart was glass and they dropped it
no reason, no body, no crime
and all i could do was watch.
watch myself fall apart,
my dreams bury themselves under the covers
my emotions fade to white
tears couldn’t sting my eyes, i was still in school
and the strong girl who you’d once describe as
‘somehow always got it covered’,
could she cover up her colliquies this time?
could she?
you watched her fall apart have you got no shame?
the cowards claimed they were the lions
so much older and wiser than me, i could fathom
fantasising about a life like yours
daydreams haunted me like nightmares.
how could you say you’re there for me
when i’m peering through my own coffin in fear?
if you’re in control, act like a leader
not some foetus in a nearing forty man’s body.
of course it’s a man to learn about me
and teach the world the wrongs of life
so if cop26 was for the plants, return me to nature
because the weight of my feelings erodes myself
a woman like her is no better
pleading and pleading for gold she gave me copper:
same-same but different
i had a choice between the two, you chose to scam
a poor farmer just wanted a life
her crops were grown in an oil spill
do not exercise your wisdom over me, ever
because you couldn’t think for others who’ve bled
looking back, i was in the wrong,
but you weren’t in the right either
setting my priorities straight was an issue for me
and setting your expectations low was bad on you
my spirits dwindled as the days went my
and i died outside the staffroom waiting for an answer
every question i asked didn’t demand another follow-up
but was solved with another issue, why?
some rendezvous we had by dancing on tips of knives
i needed a globe for you to pinpoint to me
the exact location of my broken stream
i stood up for you and defended you from bullets
and you pulled the trigger on me, stood me up
maybe if i fell off level 6 instead of her
would you then turn your careful eyes to me?
maybe my messages would go through
and i wouldn’t be left at night overthinking.
or maybe it was foul on my end for even trying
should i have known that you were out for me
from the very beginning all the way to my dead end
how blind was i to not see the signs
you were too good of a mastermind to conceal it!
‘i’ll never leave’
what a tragedy for you to leave then
i spilled my blood and you spilled your milk
and perhaps the beans that i’m not meant for you
i mean, you never took care of me
it was always us taking care of others
never mind then, it’s all in the past
so then teach me now, master:
how do i look forward to new heights
when the same nightmare reruns 24 by 7?
there’s no dream too small or big
but you stepped on mine
and i let you step all over me, how rude
i once saw stars and moons and intergalactic runes
now lies a field of light pollution
muskets by the dust of night sans its light
modelling after me of course,
i was the main character until everyone got jumpy
the spotlight now shines on you
but it’s not like you were helpless — you had everything
everything but a listening ear
you’re heartless hand in mine
ill think about it every now and then
because where you were a heartthrob
i was heartbroken yet, you know better don’t you?
so then how am i supposed to get back on my feet
if everything i’ve worked for fell out of heaven
locked out of it i learnt to leave everything
unbeknownst to what lay ahead of me
(spoiler alert it’s terrific tragedy)
so, dearest reader
i may have fallen but im still very much alive