South Dakota Jewish Autonomous Zone Ch.1

Chapter 1: The South Dakota Jewish Autonomous Zone.

The year was 2016 and the 45^th presidential election of the United States was taking place. In the world we know, Donald J Trump had won both the primaries and the election, ushering him in as the 45^th president. However, in this tale, it was none other than John Ellis "Jeb" Bush who won this election. He won in a complete landslide, the likes never before seen in the G-d-fearing country of The United States of America. Once Jeb was in office, he revealed his true colors. As a devout Muslim, he vowed to end the war in the middle east and invite his fellow Muslims to join his empire. Creating the United Islamic Nation of Jeb.

A grand empire formed under the foot of Jeb, mass expeditions from all who opposed him and his muslim Jihad were felt by the earth as the number of immigrants and refugees swelled like a balloon desperately trying to get away from its opposite side.

The powers granted by Jeb to these Islamic forces allowed them to seize an opportunity that would forever change the world. A goal which has been hundreds of years in the making, the take over of the holy land, Jerusalem. A dangerous and deathsome war ravaged the land for many years. The struggle for the most holy land staggered on and on until one day when Jeb himself stepped onto the battlefield.

An army of cybernetic humans and stone mechas never before seen to the likes of the Jews totalled the land and reduced all but the dust and dirt itself to ground level. Lasers and rockets fired, buildings collapsed, screams were echoed yet never made it to ear to be heard. A lifeless, careless war, destruction at all corners. Death filled the air.

An empty month passed, the surviving Israelites and jews who had managed to escape the deathclause united under the flag of one man they had met on their pilgrimage.

It was during this time a history altering event took place. This mysterious figure, under the name of A.B. Jr, met with Jeb in the countryside of Spain as Jeb was wreaking havoc in yet another part of the world. He single handedly removed jeb from his multi-story high mech with a quick slice from his sword, and forced him to make an ultimatum.

The man said, "let my people go, and we will establish ourselves in a land far away, far away from your business and your deeds. there is just one spot I request."

"Go ahead, name a spot and it is yours", Jeb responded while kneeling on a single leg, head hung towards closed fist.

"South Dakota".

And ever since then South Dakota was sworn to the people of Israel and to A.B. Jr. as the new holy land of the jewish people. A nation was made of him. Thus was born the South Dakota Jewish Autonomous Zone. It was a place for all of Jewish-kind to exist in harmony, away from the hellish kvetching of the world around them. A quiet refuge for the bubbies and zaydes ¹of the world to relax in peace. A place for jewish children to be raised right, to be raised how G-d would have (if he had a son, which he didn't).

Years passed since the founding of the Autonomous Zone of South Dakota. Massive, hyper-futuristic, Jewish-centric cities were constructed. They established their own economy separate from the rest of the world's. Trade was strictly imports only, The Autonomous Zone had quite a large list of tariffs and charters dictating who they could import goods from. It was a very exclusive list. This no-export policy allowed the jewish economy to thrive and for the birth of the "made by a jew" movement, an apparent parody of the "made in america" conundrum from years past.

In the founding years of this new holy land, it was a collection of 12 unaffiliated groups of jews, each joining up with another of its kind until the borders dissolved into 6 areas. These areas were manned and operated by the mysterious and questionsome jewish yakuza, each of the six main districts gave rise to its own family, headed by a father; an Abba. These families go as such: The Goldbergs of the Gimel tribe, the Cohens of the Zayin tribe, the Smiths of the Shin tribe, the Arnowitzt of the Beis Tribe, the Levinskies of the Lamed tribe, and the Peretz of the Aleph tribe.

These new power structures formed together in a revolutionary move just thirty five years after the formation of the autonomous zone. They would join together their forces and unite under the flag of the Grand Yakuza Committee. The government system within the autonomous zone

The laws of this land are the laws of the Torah and Talmud. All non-kosher food was outlawed and if you were caught with it, you were sent to prison. No police force existed, instead the law was enforced by the Jewish Yakuza who followed the word of the Torah to excruciating detail. They did not tolerate even the slightest misstep or wrongdoing. Yet, all the various Yakuza groups all had their own different interpretations of the Torahs. To solve any remaining unresolved solutions, and to avoid violence towards one neighbor and one's brother, each family anointed the most well respected and most trusted and accredited Rabbi from their districts to become the Grand Rabbi. Six in total exist and they serve to bicker and argue about interpretations of The Lord's laws and his words. The Jewish Yakuza are a rather welcoming and supportive organization. They exist to build and support communities. That aspect is where it got the infamous moniker "Yakuza". Most commonly associated with the modern crime syndicates in Japan, yet the historical beginnings of the Japanese Yakuza closely parallel that of the Jewish Yakuza. This being said, even the Abba's of each family are rather connected to their communities and often engage in, and enjoy doing so, mingling with the commoners and building those interpersonal connections which only furthered to increase their power and influence.

And this is where our story begins. In the year 2066, sometime in spring. The sky was blue, the birds were chirping and a typical citizen of the Autonomous Zone, Peter Abraham, was sitting in his room reading his daily Torah verses. Hashem's golden rays cast into his room, illuminating the sparkling blue that comes off his ever so finely crafted Yarmulke.

"And Abraham drew near, and said: 'Will you indeed sweep away the righteous and the wicked?'" This happened to be Peter's favorite verse, and not just because it contained his last name, but because it made him feel powerful and that he could be the justice The South Dakota Jewish Autonomous Zone needed. He often day dreamed like this and placed himself into verses, he says it "puts him closer to G-d" and that's all that really matters to anyone in this nation.

"And he said: 'Let me go, for the day breaketh.' And he said: 'I will not let thee go, except thou bless me'," Peter also frequently read that quote, he admires the mystique within the words. It was one of the verses he often kept in his Tefillin, when he wore it, that is.

Peter, after reading for another half hour, sat up out of bed, and changed into his daily outfit. A black trench coat with buttons brandishing the Star of David, they were dyed a light blue. A white tank-top underneath with an Alef on the front. He says he wears that specific character because "it's the letter Abraham starts with." A pair of black sunglasses, with white rims. Black slacks being held up by a black belt which has a Star of David buckle. To top it all off, his kippah, bright and shiny blue, with white highlights. It's a key staple of his identity, he never takes it off, and hasn't since he got it at his bar mitzvah/

Peter is getting ready for a day's work at his father's mechanical foreskin shop, just downstairs from their house. "Just because the Torah requires a bris at birth, doesn't mean you can't replace it later," his father would always joke. His shop was located in the center of district 8, Goldberg territory.

On this fateful day, Peter entered the shop and went to the back room to get his apron before starting his shift. He grabbed the apron from the rack, put it on, and then returned to the front where he clocked in by tapping his personalized Torah (which was the form of ID and social security within the Autonomous Zone). The machine beeped and said, "Welcome Peter, Shift starting at nine o five am" in its robotic voice, pausing each time personalized speech was required. Peter got behind the counter and was ready to start his day.

He started by checking inventory, "yep, five of the model fours with the seed booster pros. Fifteen of the basic model ones, these are the most popular, especially with the more plain folk. Eight of the model threes "ribbed for her mechayeh", the ladies love these the most. "It's a shame I've never been too popular with the women; they would love me". He proceeded to strike a pose with one hand on his head, the other on his hip, jutting his hip out. He often posed in situations like these. It's a habit that many had been picking up throughout the Autonomous Zone, "pozah", as it's called in yiddish. Often people in the most inappropriate situations will pozah. Even if that situation could be life or death; they still pozah. Peter likes to pride himself on his ability to pozah. He often incorporates small dance moves along with his pozahs. This time around he started to do the disco pointing raqad.

"I'm so fresh", he said while rubbing his hands down his chest in an attempt to seduce a sexy lady who simply wasn't there. Peter often acted out things for a pretend audience that never existed.

"Inventory looks fine"

"Gut margn, how's everything going", Peter's dad walked out of the back room, looking worried as usually. His dad, Moshe Abraham, was a chubby, Jewish man with a long, full beard, thick lens glasses, and a large hoiche hat crowning his balding head. His hair consists only of two, beautiful payot dangling off the side of his face like two delicious grape vines hanging from a vineyard fence.

"Gut margn, gut yohr. Everything's coming up mensch."

"That's just great, bub, you think you can handle running the shop by yourself for a little while. I got a...meeting across the city."

"Oh yeah sure, I've been training for this day since my own bris", he said while striking a simple pozah, clenched fist to heart and the other hand shooting to the side with its fingers splayed.

"Adda boy," Moshe said, while lighting a nicotine-free cigarette. "and remember to keep things tidy so our shop is pleasing to a customer's eyes."

Peter looked at his dad and a large smile crept up his face, "Sir yes sir" he said proudly while saluting .

Moshe looked at him, blinked, signed and said, "bub, here're the keys, lock up for me will ya? You seem to know your stuff". Moshe tossed Peter a set of many keys on a large carabiner.

Peter's eyes lit up in wonder.

The keys to the shop...in my hands for the first time. Oh thank you Hashem. I knew this day would come.

Moshe left without saying another word.

With his dad gone, Peter took this as an opportunity to call over his best friend. One Daniel Hoffman. Peter and Daniel had known each other since they were still in ma'onn yom². They had practically crawled out the womb together. Their mothers would always call them the maziks³ of district 6, where they had grown up.

After Peter's mom died in a hover car accident ten years ago, Peter and his dad moved to district 8. After the loss of his wife and business partner, Moshe decided to make a name for himself within the Yakuza and ever since moving to the new district, Moshe's Fabulous Mechanical Foreskin Shop became an officially designated community hub, anyone who wandered in with need of food, water, shelter, or protection was required to be given it. Ordained from the highest level of the GYC.

Daniel was the same age as Peter. He sported a dark green turtleneck, blue jeans, white, flat shoes, a comically large Star of David necklace made out of the finest gold his father could get ahold of during the Arnowitz-Peretz war; A devastating war that ravaged the eastern country for the first decade of existence. To top it all off, Daniel wore a pair of simple, rectangle framed glasses. His outfit was simpler than Peter's, which accurately reflected their personalities. Peter was very out there, while Daniel was more reserved.

Daniel had moved to district 8 after his reaching of adulthood. He worked for a local charity shelter and part time at the foreskin shop

Peter texted Daniel: "You should come over to the chanut⁴. Tateh's out for the day, come over and I can give you some of that training you've been needing to maybe see yourself as a full time member."

Peter returned to his work as he waited for a response from Daniel.

"Gut margn, Peter. I'll be on my way in a bit, I've been nokh sholfn⁵", Daniel texted back. They continued to message:

"Gut margn? Daniel its 11:30 AM"

"Morning is whenever I wake up, so gut margn"

"Oy vey ist mir, Daniel. what'd you get up to last night?"

"I thought you knew already, I was on a date with this receptionist lady."

"What?! I thought that was today?"

"No, that was last night, klutz."

"oh, I'm such a klutz, I should've known. Why didn't you tell me before so I could have given you my tips."

"You know why I did not exactly do that."

"Daniel, no need to be so rude about it."

"I'm only kidding, no need to start kvetching⁶"

"Whatever, Daniel. I'll see you in a few minutes"

"Yep, see you soon"

Daniel got out of bed, fashioned his daily outfit and left his room. He quickly noshed some breakfast, and left his apartment, the one he lived in alone since he moved to district 8. He went down 10 flights of stairs before reaching the ID protected front door of the building. It was at this moment he realized he forgot something very important. The ID itself! He quickly ran back up the 10 flights of stairs, tapped his key card on the reader, and entered the apartment. He headed over to his nightstand grabbed, his torah ID and left. Finally able to exit the building and be on the way to Peter's shop. Daniel lived on Yarok Avenue, which was only across the street and around the block from Peter.

Daniel, while on his walk, took in the lovely smell of the All Kosher Deli just across the street. He reveled in the delicious notes of dill and the heavenly aroma of garlic wafting across the black tarred street. "If only I wasn't so poor", Daniel thought to himself, "then I could eat all the pickles in the world." Daniel had to subsist off of the universal income provided by the local Yakuza family, since he was dedicating himself to a life of charity and serving others. He would get the Jewish equivalent of food stamps to pay for necessaries, "It isn't much, but it lets me live '', he defended. His brief work at the Abraham's shops gave him some nice spending money.

Daniel looked around at the neon lit signs flashing Hebrew and English writing, displaying an advertisement for a new movie, "Der Goy Ganef"⁷. A brand new film from the Goldberg family. Often within the Autonomous Zone, the Yakuza families are the lead producers of all types of media including films, books, video games, and music. Some people might hear that and think that such limited access to media publication would lead to stale, uninspired, heavily censored media, but it is quite the opposite within the Autonomous Zone. The yakuza families simply fund the studios who create said media and get their name slapped on the cover for credit. It's a system that works quite well and most every citizen is happy with.

"Ooh, The Yiddishe Yeshive, I can't wait," Daniel thought.

As he prepared to cross the street, a hover bike came flying by. "You shmendrik!" Daniel yelled at the driver, "watch your speed before you give me a second bris!"

"Watch your mouth, keppie", said an old woman standing next to Daniel at the crosswalk.

"Oy, bubbe, mind your business, will you."

"You keep talking like that, and you'll see the consequences"

"What was with her, that modne alte frau," Daniel thought to himself as she was stumbling away in the other direction.

"Oh right," Daniel had forgotten to press the button for the crosswalk. In district 8 you are required to tap your Torah when crossing the street.

The crosswalk blinker changed to indicate the pedestrians' turn to cross. "Finally," Daniel thought, "took long enough for me to almost sin just looking at those rasha over there, HAH!" Daniel is now only a round block from Peter's shop.

He passes by a laundromat, a hat store, another deli, as he rounds the final corner he finds himself right outside of Abraham's Fabulous Foreskin Shop.

1 Yiddish for "Grandmas and Grandpas".

2 Hebrew for "Day School".

3 Yiddish for "Rascal".

4 Hebrew for "Shop".

5 Yiddish for "Still Asleep".

6 Yiddish for "Complaining".

7 Yiddish for "The Non-Jew Thief".