Everyone will know, i was never afriad.

Life is something thats meant to be filled with endless possibilities, everyone has the ability to control their own lives and make their dreams into reality if their that passionate enough. The people im surrounded by everyday lack the motivation and confidence to do things, why is that? I do not see anything physically standing in their way, just themselves, I constantly tell everyone if only I had a life that I loved since as young as i remember Id have the world in my hands. I empathize those who have it so easy yet suffer with depression as I do and tend to think am i wrong for being upset, why do people who were born naturally beautiful, in the bodies they are comfortable with filled with so much sadness. What can bring sadness when you look the way you do, people tend to tell me the cliché, "looks dont mean a thing" bullshit I say. The world was practically built based on the way people look and people are going to keep telling me that? No thank you, id rather just see the reality of life, as sad as it is i will forever live by the quote, "No one will love you if youre unattractive". There has never been a lyric in a song, a line in a sonnet, a paragraph in a book or words from my own mother that has reassembled and embodied the meaning of life.
I had an envision of my life, growing up i wanted to find someone to love me for me and tell me that i was the most beautiful person in the world, my mind was so innocent and beautiful i wish society, humans, never tarnished what i cherished the most. I would love to think about what life would have been like as an older adult and what its like to have the freedom and luxury of controlling your own life, being abused just trying to figure out who i was as a child, thats all you can think of. I never did anything wrong, all i wanted was for someone to love me and i didnt really care who it came from man, woman, older adult or someone my age. All i knew is that in a world filled with hate and pain, i was looking for the thing that i dreamed of and adored since i can remember and that was love. My father wanted to find ways to stop me from becoming who i destined to become, I honestly dont know what my father was thinking, i was never going to be the "son" he wanted nor did i want to if im being honest. My goal in life was to become happy with my own life and do what i please without being so scared of the world and things were like that when i was first discovering the reality of my pain, and yet i was beat every single time as a child. There was so much worse things i could have done and i was beat for talking to men, I remember doing it more to piss my father off more but to also find that sense of comfort i never felt before.
My father tried beating everything out of me and id happily say nothing worked because he just made things worse, yes my actions were made by me but he was the root to every problem i caused for myself. I did not wanna have to go to older men for approval, i even knew how wrong it was as a minor but it was the only way id feel the same affection kids my age did not by only their family, but from people they were in relationships with. Imagine being capable of being in a relationship from a very young age, maybe i would have not had so many beatings if they were my age? I dont think so though, my father seemed sure of beating every last queer representation i gave and it still drives me crazy the fact he says it was not that, it was the fact i was watching porn and nudes or whatever. Instead of beating your child why not find out why they did what they did, those men at least made me feel like i was beautiful for some time but, as time started to pass and i got older, my appeal grew less and less since pedophiles didnt want someone of age. I am not proud to say i let myself become vulnerable to them, i just knew that it was the only way id have the same puberty other children have since i was not appealing to people my age and the thought of me just being comfortable with pedophiles at that age says a lot. I knew it was wrong but i also didnt know how bad things were, i just did what i did at that age because when youre young, you dont think about the consequences of things you do; You have so much life and time what is there to waste?
I wanted to be liked by everyone and to be the most popular person i know, poor little me did not know that none of that was not going to matter, if i did know or if i was what i wanted to be, would things have been a different outcome for me? I really dont wanna think about the past much but when i do i like to sit back and see life for what it was, i laugh, get angry, sob, and wonder if things were really