We're Doomed, Mother

“Mom, I’ve been observing Mr.Cooper and I have some bad news.”

Oh, Lord, what now? “What’s the problem, Shelley?

“It’s Saturday. That means he’ll be attacking us with his lawn mower this morning.”

“It’s nothing to worry about dear. He does it every week.”

“Not every week. He was on vacation last week, so we’re twice as tall as we usually are when he cuts us.”

“And what difference does that make?”

“It makes mowing much more dangerous, Mom, for lots of reasons.”

Here we go. Lord, give me patience. “Like what?”

“Well, first, since we’ve grown taller, our roots have gone deeper. This stands to reason, since the blade is the primary source of food production for the rest of the plant. So by cutting so much today, our new root growth will starve and shrivel up.”

“I’m sure it will be alright. Mr. Cooper has left us uncut for even more than two weeks at times. Like when he took the family to Europe. That was almost four weeks. But I don’t think you were around then.”

“I wasn’t. I’d remember. Anyway, when we get cut regularly every week, the clippings fall to the ground and recycle into new food for us. But when the cuttings are longer, they may not reach the soil surface and will shade or even smother the blades beneath them. They can die, Mother. We could die!”

Is this a test, Lord? “Take a deep breath and relax, Sheldon. No one’s going to die. You saw that Mr. Cooper bought a big bag attachment for the mower, so there’ll be no long cuttings to hurt us.”

“Maybe, though I doubt it. Then third…by the way, the clippings fact was the second reason we’re in danger. The third is that I’ve never seen Mr. Cooper sharpen the lawn mower’s blades. That means they won’t make clean cuts, and a jagged cut will expose more of an open wound to disease, insects, and environmental factors than will a smooth, sharp one. Also, a jagged cut leads to more shock and stress to our systems. I guess I’m lucky that my growing point is not the top, but just above ground level, so mowing doesn’t diminish my knowledge.”

“Is that it?” I hope.

“I'm sure there are more reasons, but aren’t you convinced yet of our precarious situation?”

“Listen Shelley, mowing is perfectly normal for us. We need to stay within the height conditions the Lord envisioned for all grass.”

“Poppycock. I overheard some of the new turf laid down by the sidewalk saying various grasses where they came from are allowed to grow very tall, even up to eight inches.”

“Well, I’m sure that’s not God’s plan for us. But if you’re still worried, you might try kneeling and bowing your head in prayer when the lawn mower comes along to ensure you don’t get clipped.” Forgive me, Lord, for lying to him.

“That’s absurd, Mom.” But I hope you’re right.

With thanks and apologies to everyone associated with Young Sheldon.