OI! DRAGON!

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OI! DRAGON!

One thing had led to another, and I was in the mouth of a dragon. The dragon had no idea that I was wedged in-between its two front teeth. To be fair, it was eating us by the mouthful as though it hadn’t eaten in a week. It was a big dragon. It had hard green scales, and when it roared, my eardrums almost burst.

I could barely move in there. It was dark and wet and it smelled really bad. From the vibrations of movement, I could tell we had taken off and were flying. There was a kind of soaring sound, more of a deep hum, as the beast flew through the air. So long as nothing provoked the thing to breathe fire, I thought I’d be safe for a while, at least until it landed.

How did I end up in such a jam? Well, there was a knight in shining armour, of course. And a princess. And something about a pile of gold. I wasn’t really listening at the time. All the King’s men came together, suited up, and set off on a mighty quest.

It was tough going, I tell you. We travelled for days and days over hard terrain. Through bogs and brambles and up and down mountains. Somehow, Mr. Knight in Shining Armour stayed that way — in shining armour. The rest of us, well, you can imagine the state we were in when we finally arrived at the dragon’s den. It wasn’t pretty.

There was a plan to sneak into the den, unnoticed, and whisk the princess to safety. Then we would distract the dragon and steal the gold. It was actually quite a good plan on paper. They usually are. But before we knew it, the plan on paper had been screwed up and set on fire.

The knight had trouble sneaking in his shiny armour. Gave the game away instantly. Hell ensued.

Mr. Shining Armour was the first to go. Swallowed whole, I think. I wonder how you digest a suit of armour. I dread to think how that must feel on the way out, if you catch my meaning. Yikes.

Anyway, I — like everybody else — was running for my life. Pillars of fire burst out behind me. I could feel the heat. Then, when it had gone a bit quiet, wham! My whole squadron got chomped up in one go.

And so, there I was, however many miles above ground, cruising through the sky. I was probably the first person in the world to ride a dragon. At least there’s that, I suppose.

When I say that this dragon had serious gas, I mean serious. Both ends. Eating an army seemed to have had the same effect as eating a curry. You know, a really spicy one. I passed out eventually. Couldn’t handle it.

By the time I came to, we were back on solid ground. The dragon's footsteps sounded like little booms from inside its yapper. Up until then I had been fairly calm. Maybe it was the shock of it all. But I started feeling scared. Honestly, it was not ideal.

After a time, the dragon slowed its pace. It sounds odd, but I just had this feeling that the dragon was creeping. Call it intuition or something. But we were definitely creeping about.

It all made sense when the dragon opened its mouth. Slowly the jaws of the beast came apart to reveal a small group of travelling merchants. It was night-time, and they had pitched their tents and were fast asleep. I suppose the dragon fancied a midnight snack. Humans and dragons aren’t all that dissimilar, I guess. Apart from the obvious stuff.

Little did the sneaky devil know, there I was, poking out between its teeth. I did what anyone would do in my position.

I shouted, “OI! DRAGON! OI! WAKE UP!”

Looking back, there might’ve been a better way of handling the situation. Chaos erupted instantly.

The poor merchants. They scrabbled around like a swarm of confused bees. One of them ran into a tree and knocked himself unconscious. He got off lightly. The last thing he saw before the lights went out was a faceful of tree. Beats the inside of a dragon's mouth. Trust me.

At times like that, I often wonder about fate. Like, are the events of our lives predetermined? If something bad happens, and it leads to something good happening, was the bad thing actually all that bad? Maybe we’re here to simply observe and react to our lives, like some kind of passenger… Hark at me, getting all philosophical. I should stick to what I know and finish the story.

So there I was — stuck inside a dragon's mouth as it gobbled up people yet again.

In that moment, two miraculous things happened. Firstly, I managed to wriggle an arm free from between the pearly-white gnashers. Secondly, I saw the most beautiful woman I’d ever laid eyes on.

She was soaked in blood and absolutely terrified. I admit, it wasn’t a great look. But I could tell that she was the one. You just know these things. Again, call it intuition. A feeling from above comes down and bonks you over the head and says, “Pay attention. This is important.”

I grabbed her on her way in. I held on as tight as I could. I thought my arm would break, but it didn’t. She knew the deal. She yanked me free. We flew from the dragon's mouth, hit the ground hard, held each other in a final embrace.

And the dragon flew away.

We were free. We survived.

I left the soldier's life behind. There’s no going back after something like that.

And we got married under the stars in springtime.

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