I’m fine

What is strength? Is it one’s ability to withstand all blows thrown at them with every degree of ferocity? Or is it how one handles themselves in a situation once those blows have been dealt? I find myself asking these questions whenever in a rough situation or in a trying time. But like most whenever asked how I’m feeling I will only utter one phrase, “I’m fine”.


As far as the truth is concerned on whether or not I am or I am not, the answer varies. I posed a question earlier on the definition of strength. And to me I believe that strength is both of those things, receiving a heavy hand and choosing whether to respond in kind or to shrug it off. I feel that as I’ve grown up a young man and as I’ve been told one with a rather large stature I must take everything on the chin. Showing no signs of weakness or compromise in the handling of tough situations. And so I’ve lived that way, no matter how I may be feeling the only answer to describe these feelings is “I’m fine”. Though I think more often than not when I say this answer I don’t believe that I am. I’ve made this phrase my default answer to any query on my mental and emotional fortitude, even my physical. Because that’s my job isn’t it, to take what’s thrown at me and respond with a cool and calm visage. And I say visage because sometimes that’s exactly what it is. Like a veil over the truth it only means to cover up the anger or sadness that may well up inside of me. But no tears or words of rage shall be expressed because that won’t help one tackle any situation correctly. And as a young man aren’t I supposed be able to handle all obstacles in my way in a calm and rational fashion. Aren't I?


I feel that whether it be my family or ones that I hold dear if I am ever faced with a poor situation shouldn’t I be standing there as a pillar for them to rely on. Aren’t I supposed to do that. As stated earlier if something happens whether it fills me with rage or despair it’s not up to me to display such things because such things are helpless, they are a waste of energy and serve no acceptable means. So you power through it and reach the end of this ordeal and now you’ve handled it. What now? This anger or sadness or both or more are still very presently inside you so what do you do with it. Do you find an acceptable outlet to unleash your harder feelings or a more isolated area to shed your softer ones. But why even address them in the first place I mean after all you’ve already overcome your hardship giving these things any more attention would be a waste of energy. So you do that and you just move right along. However you find that sometimes these feelings may fade away and sometimes they only prove to fester inside of you and start bubbling to the top becoming a kind of vile geyser that spews poison and obscenities from the mouth when finally pushed just a little too far. Whereas other times you feel that every dreadful thing that happens just chips away more and more of your armor until you finally just completely fall apart. Does this make me weak or does this make me human.


I hear others say all the time being vulnerable is “ok” that it’s “healthy” and that it’s toxic to persistently hold this facade of false bravado. But I can’t think of anytime that being vulnerable in any capacity has served to the benefit of anybody or anything. I am supposed to be the very opposite of vulnerable so that I can appropriately handle and thing that comes my way. So why would I allow someone or myself to so easily peal away the veil to see what’s really happening inside of me? Why would I need to show someone that something is eating and tearing away at me from the inside? Why would I let someone in on the inferno that may be blazing inside of me? Why would I let anyone do any of these things, especially since “I’m fine