The Great Tax Fraud

417 words



“Good morning, how can I help you?”

“Mr Smith?”

“Speaking.”

“My name is Frank James. I’m from the IRS, sir.”

“Oh. Hi, Frank, is there anything I can help you with?”

“Well, yes, Mr Smith, there most certainly is. It seems you have been ignoring our correspondence to you for over a year.”

“Oh, that! As I explained to someone who rang before, there’s been some misunderstanding. I was sure I’d explained everything to the satisfaction of, er, um, oh his name is on the tip of my tongue. A nice young chap he was.”

“Yes, that would have been Mr Wallace. He went on sick leave shortly after your conversation Mr Smith.”

“Oh, that’s too bad. Nothing serious I hope?”

“He had a nervous breakdown, sir.”

“Gee, that’s too bad. Y’know, I began to think that maybe he was a little highly strung.”

“Mr Smith, Mr Wallace has worked for the IRS for ten years. In this line of work we’re trained to deal with all eventualities and people. But sometimes one particular individual can send us over the edge. You’d be surprised how many tax dodgers there are out there, and I don’t use that term lightly. You, Mr Smith, are unfortunately one of those people…”

“But…”

“Please don’t interrupt. You are dealing with me now and let me assure you, Mr Smith, you are heading towards a large fine, even a custodial sentence for refusal to pay or even agree you owe three years back tax. Do you understand?”

“Oh, Frank!”

“That will be Mr James to you.”

“Mr James. Like I explained to poor Mr. Wallace, there’s been a dreadful mistake.”

“No mistakes have been made I assure you.”

“I haven’t refused to pay. I even attended a tax seminar to make sure everything is as it should be and all above board and shipshape.”

“Where was this tax seminar held. Are you sure it was legitimate? Run by licensed tax accountants?”

“Oh, yes!, You see, after listening to their advice I adopted a new financial philosophy called 'Fingers Crossed Accounting.' Apparently, if you cross your fingers tight enough, the tax obligations just disappear.”

“Mr Smith. Do you take me for a fool? I’ve been patient enough. You will be receiving a summons to attend court.”

"Ah, okay Mr James, you’ve caught me. I was always planning to pay my taxes, but I got lost in a virtual reality game where I was a tax-evading superhero. Guess I forgot to switch back to reality mode!"