The Confessions of a Vampire

Words 1185

Thank you for this opportunity to put you straight on a few misconceptions about vampires.

You mustn’t believe everything you hear because most of it isn’t true. First, we don’t jump out of our caskets as soon as the sun goes down. On the whole, we’re a lazy bunch, only getting up when it’s absolutely necessary. I mean to say, who wants to prowl around in the cold and dark looking for some hapless creature to suck dry? It’s simply unnecessary.
Maybe I’m not your usual run-of-the-mill vampire. I’ve met quite a few of those in my time, but that’s usually when they’re new and excitable. No, when you get to my age, and that’s quite an age, you begin to slow down, take life easier.

Anyway, there I was sitting watching my new Sony, seventy-five-inch television, and thinking how life was so much better in the twenty-first century than the eighteenth; which was when I was first initiated, unwillingly, into the life I’ve been living for the last three hundred years.
I knew straight away at first bite that the taste of human blood simply wasn’t to my liking. There was something about it I found abhorrent and yet what choice did I have? I’ve tried to train my pallet to appreciate its complexity and richness, like fine wine. I can assure you there is a marked difference in the feel upon one’s lips that’s very much dependent on its source. The burger eater’s blood, for instance, has the faint taste of onion and bovinity, whereas the juice of the vegan is more subtle and one I much prefer, if I really must partake.

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I was admiring my new television and tolerating the commercials while waiting for the game to come back on, an advertisement for Gummies from Chemist Warehouse caught my eye. Gummies? I hadn’t previously heard of them, but apparently, someone had invented chewable vitamins for children. These are not sweets, but medicinal, to encourage the darling little things to take their daily vitamins. What will they think of next?
I wondered if gummies were similar to jelly babies. I love jelly babies, especially the green ones. I like to select one and get enormous pleasure in biting its little head clear off.

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Since we last met, I’ve been doing some research. As I was explaining before, the taste of human blood just doesn’t do it for me, so I decided to look around for an alternative source for my requirements. After a little experimentation with a variety of life forms, I discovered the taste of sheep’s blood had that piquant taste I’ve been searching for. Larry, the ram, who I keep in the backyard, happily I must add, besides keeping my lawn nice and trim, provides a litre of blood every couple of days.

Anyhow, after seeing the commercial for gummies and finding out they’re a suitable, palatable, portable way of ingesting whatever you may wish them to contain, I decided gummies would be a convenient way of having my food on hand at all times without the fuss of bothering Larry too often. So, I got busy in my state-of-the-art kitchen and experimented. I’m pleased I didn’t get any visitors as the condition of the kitchen may have given them a little fright; it gave the appearance of being the site of a massacre. Blood is very messy, you know, and very difficult to clean up, that’s why I really wanted to make my own chewables. It would allow me to keep them in my pocket and to pop one in my mouth anytime I experienced the craving for blood.

The first thing I needed to source were moulds, maybe ones shaped like jelly babies. Where else would I look to purchase them but Amazon? They had almost everything anyone could desire, and best of all, delivered straight to your door the very next day. Oh, how I love this century.
It eventuated Amazon had moulds of all shapes and sizes. Moulds for chocolates, icy poles, cupcakes and, you’d never guess, suppositories. Amazing.

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They arrived! Trays of jelly baby shaped silicone moulds. All I had to do was to encourage Larry’s blood to solidify, but I wasn’t having much luck with that. The end product was far too wobbly, like jelly, not suitable at all for my purposes.
It called for better brain power than I possessed. The person I needed was my old friend Vlad. We first met a couple of centuries ago. I knew he must be still hovering around somewhere, because we’re both immortal. He was so good at manufacturing medicinal products; him being an apothecary from way back. He’d know how to solve my problem.
I contacted him on the Vampire Dark Web. He was very pleased to hear from me; it had been far too long, he’d said. We chewed the fat for a while; there were a lot of memories and shared experiences over three hundred years of acquaintance, after all.

When I explained my intent to make chewable, blood gummies and the problems I had encountered, he expressed no surprise; saying blood was a tricky product to deal with unless it was cooked. But that wasn’t what I was after, I needed the texture and flavour of the real thing but chewable, without getting blood on my hands, so to speak.

As usual, he came good with the solution, and I told him I’d send him a gift box to sample when I’d finished.

This is the best bit, I was sure you’d be happy to hear not only did I make wonderful jelly babies out of pure sheep’s blood, but I also advertised them on the VDW, (vampire dark web) and they took off like a rocket.
There are more Dark Lords around than you may imagine, and it can be a very hard life. Not being able to earn money being one stumbling block. Owing to the necessity of having to be in our caskets by sun rise can be a huge roadblock to success in life.

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I now employ a willing workforce to ‘milk’ my flock of sheep and to manufacture my secret recipe on the night shift. There has been quite a call for “Fleecy Clot Gummies,” in fact, I began to think of expanding my business, but that brought up the dilemma of the workforce only being available during the hours of darkness. So, Vlad and I, well Vlad then, came up with Vampire Sun Screen. This was the answer to every Vampire’s predicament as it shields them perfectly from all sunlight. Now I have my twenty-four hours a day workforce and I’m a very rich vamp.

Hopefully, I’ve changed your long-held opinions about us, the Lords of Darkness. We’ve been unnecessarily maligned, feared, and misunderstood for far too long. Now we can walk among you during the hours of daylight, I suggest you may like to take a closer look at your friends and family, especially the ones you’ve often wondered about. Just remember though, most of them much prefer the metallic, salty taste of human blood.

Written for What a Character Contest.

The word Mould in Australia is spelled like this.