Feelings

We're sitting in her house. Maria's. Her house feels safe to me, and if you know anything about me, you would know that's a big deal to me, safety. Even if you only know the me I want you to see, you should know safety is a big deal. Let's even move it up a knotch to a huge deal. Not big, huge. I've never felt fully safe. I loved sitting in her house sharing rum and cokes with their roomate John, smoking weed and talking and laughing with Maria. The rum and cokes were made in huge cups from taco bell or sonic. I didn't go for John. That's not the way this story is going to go. I lived with Maria's mom who is my aunt. I was with my aunt Ann's stepson, Billy. I loved Billy, in my way. I loved him, I loved being in his arms, but that only gave me maybe a little of the safety from Maria's? Or was it just a tease, a mocking of the safety fake safety? See? I'm dark. if you don't like dark, stop reading. I'm warning you. I didn't see maria as my cousin, because we just got to know each other when I got with Billy. Sometimes she'd come to Ann's. Why? To see her mom of course. She didn't come for you, Jess. No one comes for you. Shit, bet I didn't even enter her mind on the car ride over to her moms. What was in your mind, Maria? What was in your mind when you showed me the toys in the porn shop? You showed me the strap ons and said something about experimenting with a woman. Why when you asked that question, didnt you look at my face. Everyone says my expressions show on my face. Why didn't you look at me their maria, see what I wanted? I noticed the ten second silence before you continued on What were you thinking maria? Did you want me? No. No. No. She would never want you Jess. I wanted to step to her, put my arms around her, kiss her softly at first, so sweet, so tender. For that kiss, maria was mine, she would be mine. No. This book isn't about me trying to take her from Matt either. Sorry if you were looking for that kind of books. If you want those kinds of books, contact me and I'll give you suggestions. Back to Maria. I loved her. I loved her voice. I loved her tone because it changed from tough girl to gentle, just for me. Maybe not gentle exactly, just a special soft calm southern tone. It made me feel calm, like I took a xannax. It made me feel high, like a hit of meth, it made me feel... Just worth something, like I mattered. She observed my moods and changed her tone accordingly. to cheer me up when I was sad, make me laugh, just talk about anything and evrything. Not everything though Maria. You never knew how much i loved you. Love you. Thank you for taking my gas money and taking me to the house just to sit next to you even when I know you wanted to say no at times. I didn't want anything at all from you Maria. Well, that's a lie. I wanted everything from you that i knew you weren't allowed to give me. Matt got those things. i know you loved him, but Maria, we could have been... I heard he wouldn't have sex with you. When I heard that, I wanted to get him tested for a brain annurism. God Matt, what the fuck is wrong with you? If she had made one move... God.

She had a nickname, ree. She told me she hated it. I imagine she went through some or more of the pain I went through. I hate my nickname, jessi. Pain. I wanted to take it away. I only wanted her to be happy. Matt was so lucky and didn't even know it. I imagined her kiss being soft, sweet. I wonder if she likes pain. I do. Not severely but a little. Oh Maria, my oriax. Just not as evil. you have some of her characteristics. I felt magnetized to you. Just sitting next to you made me feel worth something. I wanted to take you in my arms, explore your body with my hands, so slowly, so sentually. Would you have let me? I'd be willing to bet the rest of my checks the anser is no. I can still fantasize though, right? O does that make me sick? Maria? Kiss me. You won't regret it.