Lance Decker Rock-Grandma Rock Visits

Lance Decker Rock-Grandma Rock Visits
By Shadowgate
...
Lance got up from a nap after he'd spent the day rough housing at the playground. He was sweaty when he got home and went to bed sweaty so when he woke up his mom made him take a hot bath.
He knew his grandma was coming to visit so he was excited.
After he dried off, he entered his room and saw the outfit his mom picked out for him.
As he got dressed he sang "Lucy Carter blew a bubble. The bubble exploded and there was gum all over her dad's face. Her mom yelled "look at my stupid husband he's got gum on his face" and then she laughed for 10 minutes straight. Mister carter got so mad he filed for divorce over sticky bubble gum, sticky bubble gum, oh you should have seen the raging divorce over sticky bubblegum."
Tina knocked on Lance's door and shouted "Lance are you dressed?"
"Almost" was the response she got from him.
Tina yelled "well hurry up because she'll be here any minute."
Lance yelled "I'm getting dressed as fast as I can."
Tina was stressed out and she yelled "just get dressed and don't talk back!"
Lance groaned then continued getting dressed. He grabs his phone that's fully charged, along with his wallet and house key.
When he exited his room he heard his parents laughing and cheering and a door slamming shut. It was obvious that Patricia Callous Rock was in the house.
Lance ran down the stairs and said "oh rats I wanted to let her in."
Kevin turned around and said "Lance control yourself" then he turned to his mother and said "I'll take your suitcases."
As Kevin lifted the suitcases headed up the stairs lance yelled "dad control yourself now because grandma's ornaments are in there and I need them to pay for college."
Kevin turned around and yelled "Lance Decker Rock!"
After yelling at his son Kevin groaned then continued up the stairs.
At dinner time tina Lizzy Rock served fish, mashed potatoes, green beans, and rolls.
After dinner Lance's phone went 'ding' and he pulled it out of his leg pocket.
Lance said "it's Cody, he sent me a text asking if I'm ready for the math test Monday.
Lance's grandma was surprised to see lance has an iPhone and she said so.
Lance said "it's my present because I had my appendices out."
His grandmother replied "oh yes when your father called to let me know on the night of your operation I was horrified. Oh dear!"
Patricia hugged her grandson and said "back when I was your age we had phones that were plugged into the wall. Long distance was a big deal but we had it."
Lance asked "were kids allowed to use phones back in your day grandma?"
Grandma answered "well young children often had to get parental permission. Teenagers couldn't be on the phone after dark. Of course there were still prank calls."
Kevin quickly stated "mother please don't tell him that."
Lance's Grandma said "well the very first prank call was about tobacco and it's quite innocent compared to prank calls that have been made over the past few decades."
Lance chimed "the first prank call was about tobacco; how did it go?"
Lance's grandma explained "back in the 1950's there was a brand of pipe tobacco called Prince Albert. Pipe tobacco is often sold by the can. Well some smart-ass kid would call up a store and ask "do you have Prince Albert in a can? The store clerk would answer 'yes we do' and the kid would say "let him out."
Lance laughed hard. Tina pointed out "okay Lance that's funny now but think of the poor store clerk who had to answer the phone."
Lance insisted "what about poor little me? I had to have my belly cut open and I was sore after that. At least they gave me anesthesia when they did it."
Lance's grandma replied "well of course they gave you anesthesia."
Lance quickly responded "they also gave me painkillers" with a big smile on his face.
Lance's Grandma showed concern and told him "you don't want to get addicted to painkillers now."
"But grandma back when you were seven they didn't have all the great medical care they have now. If they had to amputate an arm or a leg then the doctor gave you a little morphine before he used a hacksaw to cut through flesh and bone."
Lance's grandma shouted "that was during the civil war Lance, I'm not that old."
Lance replied "oh that's right you had telephones when you were seven instead of carrier pigeons."
"Yes" his grandma replied and Lance commented back "you certainly had good music back in your day. Now we can hear it on phones."
Lance's grandma smiled and said "yes we had the best music. One pop song from my day that I could never get enough of was Morning Train 9-5."
Tina commented she loved that song while Lance pulled up YouTube on his phone and typed it in.
He began playing it. His grandma smiled and when his parents tried to intervene granny said "no let's hear it."
After they listened to the song Lance said "that song is really catchy."
After the song ended Grandma Rock had a smile on her face and said "oh that takes me back."
Kevin told Lance "okay we had a little music now put your phone up Lance."
Lance said "okay" and did as he was told but then he started snapping his fingers before singing "I wish the substitute bus driver would get hit by the morning train. I'd love to see his guts splattered everywhere. I don't care if authorities are offended by the sight of his remains."
Tina yelled "Lance Decker Rock!"
Lance moaned and responded "he was dishonest!"
Tina suggested in a firm voice that Lance talk about other people instead of the bus driver. She also reminded Lance that he was very lucky that the school bus driver's report had been questionable otherwise he would have faced punishment at school and at home.
Lance realized he had no choice but to talk about other people so he said "grandma there are good people in my community like my two babysitters. The first babysitter I had is 17 years old. Her name is Karen Colbert. She sat on an ice cream cone."
His grandma exclaimed "she sat on an ice cream cone, oh my goodness."
Tina and Kevin shrug their shoulders.
"The second time she was supposed to babysit me she had a date and called a classmate named Mark Ludwig to take the job. He's also 17."
"Oh" his grandma replied.
Lance went on "dad was nervous about having a male babysitter. I overheard him talking to mom. He told mom a male babysitter might be queer and touch me in a no-no spot."
Kevin spit out his wine and dropped his wine glass on the kitchen floor.
Lance quickly states "luckily Mark is a really cool guy. He even got me into Dennys when they told me kids couldn't come in without parents."
Kevin firmly pointed out "there are lots of children who are loud and disruptive in restaurants."
Little did Kevin know his mother would turn around and scold him.
"Don't call my grandchild loud and disruptive like the undisciplined children we hear about these days."
Lance reiterated "yeah don't call her grandchild loud and disruptive."
Kevin shouted "Lance Decker Rock!"
Lance held his ears then commented "now that was loud and disruptive."
Kevin yelled "I'm about to disrupt your night big time!"
Lance gave a sad frown.
Tina asked "what time is it? Is it his bedtime?"
Lance quickly yelled "no it's 8:30 I've still got half an hour."
Tina groaned and Kevin suggested "you should use that half hour wisely because you're on thin ice."
Lance asked "dad is the ice I'm on as thin as sparkling powder your co-worker got fired for sniffing in his office?"
"Oh my goodness" Lance's poor grandma stated in shock and Lance's dad marched him upstairs.
IN THE UPSTAIRS HALLWAY
Kevin stood Lance up and said "look here young man there were several things that were not attractive in your conversation with your grandma. First when grandma entered the door you ordered me around like a slave when you yelled about her ornaments being in her suitcase. Then when our after-dinner conversation started you sang a song that was a parody of Morning Train that was inappropriate. Your comment about amputations was not appropriate. Then to top it all off you told grandma about the suggestion of a bad babysitter touching you in a no-no spot."
Lance shouted "it's always funny to hear a grownup say no-no spot" and laughed so hard he fell down.
Kevin was about to holler but then he heard someone behind him laughing.
He turned around to see Tina laughing and he asked "Tina what the hell are you laughing at?"
Tina answered "I'm sorry dear but it is funny to hear a grown up say that."
Lance yelled "dad you said the q-word too so you're grounded because we're in the woke era."
Kevin groaned and headed toward his room before turning around and yelling "hey wait a minute kids can't tell their parents they're grounded."
Lance and Tina both yelled "oh my God!"
The End