Update on my non-binary transition, 7/2

The first day I took low dose T for my non-binary transition was June 10. Today, July 2, I saw that my period had started, after three or four days of mild cramps. Although I am almost 43, I am not yet menopausal and still experience a period every month; typically heavy. I have never been pregnant and never took birth control. My period appears to be coming this month at the normal time, which I find reassuring. One potential complication of taking T I had read about was that there could be problems with the uterine lining building up but not shedding, so I am mostly relieved that I am having a period, despite never having liked having periods due to mood swings, discomfort, and even significant pain/chills, from about the age of 16.

I have always relied on NSAIDS during my time of month, and continue to do so. I took 2 extra strength ibuprofen this morning, and am feeling ok. I have still not told my family that I am taking T, although I did tell them that I was taking back the non-binary or androgynous/more male identity that I had from about 16 until my late 20s. I have not come out at work, although I wear my Pride watchband, and one person has commented.

I feel unmoored from all mainstream movements, in some sense. I don’t really believe I have a nonbinary essence, because as an atheist I don’t believe that essences/souls exist as metaphysical matter; I believe that the brain is part of the body. However, I recognize in myself a deeply flawed individual, and no longer feel the need to tell everyone about particular medical doubts.

A few years ago, when I discussed my period pain and heavy bleeding with my gynecologist, she prescribed a birth control medication for me, for which I was supposed to avoid extended exposure to sunlight- despite me having told her that I commuted to and from work by walking and spent hours outside regularly. I only heard the sunlight caveat from the pharmacist- and then read more about it in the pharmacy materials, ultimately deciding to not take that medication. I spent money on it only to throw it away.

My personal gripes about medicine might have been felt less by someone with more energy to call the doctor, refuse to fill the prescription, and seek a new one, or maybe a new doctor. But that was not me - I was always a person who was succeeding if I managed to drag myself in to see a doctor in the first place.

I am curious about what is happening in my body. I both care and don’t care whether I get cancer. On the one hand, I was recently having bleak thoughts, and the tendency of the hormone to block emotional thought channels has helped significantly, allowing me to feel something more than indifference and sadness about my life. Moreover, my mother and stepfather, who are very important to me, are now elderly, and I don’t have any particular desire to outlive either of them. On the other hand, I don’t want to die, and remember many beautiful things about life.

Sometime soon, I will try to find medical resources online that can help me understand exactly what effects the hormone could be anticipated to have on my body, and if there is anything further I can do to help myself. I am taking a multivitamin and a taurine supplement, and continuing my exercise routine. I have taken a pause in the online therapy I was enrolled in to allow mental energy for training on a new job.