Patience

Dear Diary,

4 years ago today, I received a phone call that changed my life in moments. I remember the exact place I was standing when I turned and saw my mom's face. I remember exactly what I was joking about with my brother when we were trying to figure out if my favorite pie had expired. I remember handing mom the pie as she handed me the phone and her face looked as if she couldn't prepare for how to help me after I would hang up that fun. It was my lawyer who prosecuted on my dad's trial. She was calling to tell me that even though it was 4 years after the trial and even though this had never happened in her 12 years of being an attorney, she had some news to tell me. My dad won his second appeal and that I may have to make a decision on whether to go back to trial and start the process all over again. I was standing next to my mom's bed and remember having to catch myself before lowering myself onto it. I remember the noise that came out of me which I couldn't even reenact if I tried again. It was almost like the last bit of life I had left was choosing to leave my body. I remember my mom coming into the room and trying to comfort me as I reached for her yet pushed her away all in one fluid motion. I can't begin to explain how it even feels writing this all out right now. All I know is it's been 4 years and there has been no change. My lawyer only just put in her appeal to counteract his appeal...and now we wait...again. I had already decided a few years ago that I wouldn't be that person that goes back and tries again because by the time it's all over, I could be married with kids and this is my battle I chose to fight. Not theirs. I was 16 when I went to trial and 20 when I got the phone call. I'm 24 now and so much time has past. I know I've matured and I know that going back would show how resilient and serious I am. But at what cost? Every year, this date comes around and I feel like I'm frozen in time. It took years for me to get to a point where I could even function on this date. I was at work today and was so busy and for a good hour, I actually forgot what today was. Until I looked at my phone and felt the sinking feeling I always feel. I felt the same level of failure that I always feel. And I felt my chest start to tighten and me give up, like I always feel.


I can't say whether these feelings will ever go away. What I can say though is that in my mind, I can decide if I want to put myself through all of these potential emotions again. I can be that girl that stands strong and says "I fought all the way to the end", or I could be that girl that says "I fought up until, I knew I didn't need to keep fighting when at the end of the day, I know what happened".


All I'm saying is I really don't know what I'll decide when I receive that phone call again. I could have my mind made up by then, or I could feel like I need another 4 years to think about it. At the end of the day, I need to be able to look at myself in the mirror and be proud of who is looking back at me. That is how I will make my decision.


As Always,

Your Honest Friend