No ratings.
Sometimes you just have to vomit it all out |
I keep them all at a distance Don't let them into my existence Protect myself from being hurt Because I just keep getting burnt Again and again Its always the same Everytime I trust someone It falls apart, it comes undone And I am left To burn alone And wear my scars Without a home And I no longer Feel a thing You took my life With that fucking ring I hated your guts I let you know Over and over Told you to go But you wouldn't listen To a word I said Didn't clue in When I ignored you in bed Wouldn't let you touch me Ran from your embrace If I had some mace Would've shot you in the face Cause you wouldn't give me space Tried to put me in my place By tormenting me with words Always telling me how you would talk real slow so my little pea brain could understand what you were trying to shovel into me and make me believe The lies you fucking constantly fed to me The fucking words you put in my mouth that I never even said You never bothered to listen to a fucking word I said Always just waiting for your turn to speak Always talking without listening and doing without thinking Always about you and your fucking needs So I left my body while you did your deeds I withered away, you filled up with greed I wasn't important so I shut down my emotions Kept up the facade and acted with dévotion You thought you could buy my fucking affections Kept forcing me to buy shit, but all that was deflection Always tellin' everyone how you took such good care of me Like I was a fragile fucking creature that didn't know how to be Alluded that I couldn't handle my own shit But that's all a lie and you fuckin know it Constantly overshadowed me Constantly talked over me You put on a show and pretend to be kind But you never let me or anyone speak their mind Wouldn't let me talk to others unless you were around Couldn't finish my sentences, couldn't make a damn sound You just kept talking for me, putting words in my mouth Like you had some insider info 'bout my brain and my life But you just used what I told you and created strife You thought it was funny to repeat the threats from my ex Like how if he couldn't have me then no one else could You would say that to me, then laugh at your own joke But it was never funny you stupid motherfucker! You just laughed at my pain. Made fun of my experience Felt nothing when I told you about getting my ass kicked It was just ammo, fodder you could use against me To hurt me, make me feel like I was a piece of shit Who deserved it all, so why not give me another kick But I never deserved any of it! Not even a tiny fuckin bit. I went out of my fucking way to be kind and nice to every other human I ever encountered in my fucking life, even the ones who treated me like absolute dirt, even the ones who kicked me around like I was just some fucking trash bag, like you did, like all my fucking exes ever did. You all treated me like fucking garbage and all I ever did was go out of my way to do special shit, do whatever fucking pleased you. I did almost anything I was ever asked to do. One of you fuckers even got me to kiss your fucking shoe. I worked my ass off while you fuckers sat around doing jack fuckin shit. I cooked and I cleaned. I was your counselors, your lovers, and even your mothers. And what the fuck did I get in return? Not a fucking thing 'cept some stupid diamond ring. I just kept hoping for some fucking kindness in return, or at least to not get the shit beat out of me: physically, sexually, emotionally, psychologically. And maybe some part of me thought I deserved the abuse. I just wasn't good enough, or at least, that's what I told myself as an excuse. Your behaviour was warranted because I didn't measure up to your standard. So I kept trying to be better. To do better. To be perfect. But it never mattered how hard I tried, it was never enough. And I kept just getting hurt over and over and over again. And it just became something I expected to happen. That was all I deserved because I wasn't good enough to have anything better. I was never good enough to deserve to be treated better. I wasn't nice enough. I just was never enough. Never pretty enough, never skinny enough, never anything enough, but also too outspoken, and too opinionated, and I shouldn't let anyone know I have a brain. So I am no longer sure how to Feel anymore because I keep being Stripped of my layers of protection And deprived of worth as you Shatter my self confidence Like it's just another piece Of insignificant chattel Meant to be used and abused and sold My only value lies in what I can do For others in need of services Its all a crumble A jumble A meaningless existence without value Waiting to be shocked by the pain To remind me that I am still alive So lock me away in this room in this cage It doesn't make a difference to me What you do to me Or what you think of me Because I am empty inside And void of emotion Just a walking shell A talking doll Pretending that she lives with a purpose But inside she has a fire that still burns But no one sees it she tries to hide it from the world To not draw any attention to herself Because that is what she was taught And that is what was reinforced Over and over again throughout her life So she no longer questions it When she hurts Because the pain is familiar And it's the one constant That she has known to remind her Who she is And where she comes from Maybe that's all that matters |