Personal jailer

My thoughts
They torment me Lord
They bring me backwards to pain,
To what ifs about what weres that translate to possibilities of being agains today.

They tempt me to anger and vengeance, to violence and retribution. To bring pain to those who hurt me.

They fortify a belief that I am a fool, not worthy of having the whole truth told about me or to me. That I will be known for what I do wrong and little will be said of what is good.

They point out how I am lied to, how those who hurt me minimize it through their words and actions and it provokes rage. That I am a liar undeserving of anything good.

I feel small, powerless and pointless. Broken, made whole only to be broken again.

I don’t have the endurance to keep that cycle Lord. I just don’t. I believe, but I am weak, I am angry, I am hurt, I am ashamed…..I am an embarrassment not worthy of love or respect.

I pray, I listen, I try but there’s something’s broken inside me Lord…..I don’t know how to fix it or even what to bring to you to ask to fix. It’s so deep inside me that it feels like breath…..I feel over run by my torment of history and possible future failures almost every day. I’m taunted by those who I will have hurt or who I may hurt. My family. My wife.

I struggle to not give into the feeling of belong lost, being lied to, being betrayed again, not being enough for my wife, for my kids.

That I am weak and can not do what you expect from me and they will leave me or suffer because of it……it is deep Lord. I beg you to take this burden from me.

I have no other recourse. Like Elijah, I beg you to take my life, as I can’t take anymore. I have blessings all around me and yet my mind will not renew to embrace them. Instead, my spirit succumbs to feel small and weak. Lost and pointless. I do little here and would not be missed for long by many. My impact is a vapor and my legacy is sin. Why do You keep me here?

The few around me who echo otherwise, I feel and fear Lord, are too late to stir a change in belief. Pity and momentary encouragement is echoed by years of discord and criticism causing me to relocate the words as insults and falsehoods said to me.

I am truly dead inside. What felt like a Lazarus season only resulted in a harder slam back into a mental coffin. I can not do this any more Lord. I am weak. I beg you to please take this from me. I don’t want to die again inside but I fear it has already happened.

My mind sees what is not true but connects dots to verify the possibilities of being setup to suffer again. To lose it all and suffer greater pain and anguish.

And how to deal with or express that without burning it all down, without over running others with my fear and anger…my rage and addiction to vengeance.

Bondage in a mental and spiritual realm is nearly impossible to process. Is it possible to be of You and still be bound Lord?

In the end, I created this kingdom. The isolation, the deadening of emotional nerve endings, the extinguishing of my spirit, Your Spirit in me, is all mine. I did this and deserve what I get.

This mental anguish is the consequences of pursuing independence from everything and everyone, for hiding from who You made me to be…..I fear it is too late to overcome Lord….it requires strength I don’t have. I just don’t. I don’t wish to die but feel it is near. I accept my punishment. I am trash in need of what I’ve already gotten-grace, and I still can’t embrace it…..

Are some of us just destined to be wardens of our pain? To experience the internal war of wanting relief but never having access to it….to toil in a constant state of mental disparity with no clear source to attack beyond the spiritual. It is nameless and faceless. A condition of the mind and soul and You tell me to read the word and follow and do what it says and I try and it doesn’t work anymore…..what do I do Lord when that stops working?

It feels like being 1/2 an inch below water, desperate for air….handcuffed to the bottom of a pool with no key in sight while everyone you love stands there and watches you drown, throwing advice at you, telling you what a problem it is for them to deal with….walking away….

I know You Lord. I am Your son, You are my Savior. I beg you to take my thoughts captive. I try and try to do that and it just gets worse…bitterness just grows out of nowhere…..I don’t trust anyone. I feel paranoid and believe truly that I am being lied to or set up by most…..my Life is Yours Lord and yet I feel it slipping away from both of us…..why is this happening God? Please, I’m begging you, take this from me.