Modern day psalm-lamentation of the MH

The devil can have today
I am too tired to fight. The spirit that usually rises to fight has been dealt a crippling blow and I just want eternal rest. I concede Lord. Victory is already yours and I am of no use to you, or those in my life. The swells of adoration and love, praise and commitment get cut down in a flash in otherwise throw away moments.

All that you have sown gets ripped from the ground and tossed to the concrete for germination. Was it ever real? Was it truth to think I would ever be embraced as something other than what I have been? I don’t think it possible. Even the truth no longer matters. Only the past is embraced as the present when it counts. I am a throw away who had hope for a brief moment that I had worth but alas, the echo chamber of my hearts love tells me otherwise.

I have been made a fool to think I would be believed to be changed despite my best effort, I am relived to the condemnation of sins gone by and will never be free from their impact. I accept the consequences but confess I do not have the endurance to withstand the attacks any more.

The devil can have the day. I’m tired and just want rest for my soul and my efforts to live in truth and Spirit fall on deaf ears, ears filtered by the devil of which I can not undo. He has successfully laid landmines along the path to restoration and redemption and I do not have the faith it seems to over come them when they detonate.

I surrender it all to whomever wishes to take it. I have felt your love Lord but I fear it was fleeting and peace in this life is not obtainable. I try to hide in the shape of your wings but get dragged from them time and again by the shame, the hurt, the anger, the craving for vengeance of a passed I can’t out run.

The fear of what is to come, the hope that I can restore my word to my love is all but over it seems. She holds her breath when she speaks to me, she hides behind her walls, and with whom? I can not take the anguish of potentially losing what was given back, as it was never mine in the first place. The perpetual distrust of words, the assumption of actions causes me to go slowly insane. I was made a fool 3 times over, perhaps more, all while being told it was me by someone who claimed untouchable integrity. I have no way of knowing what the truth is and I can not endure living on the edge of heartbreak, the deepest of betrayal of that sort again. I just can’t.