BARTHOLEMEW, THE SNAIL

I'm proud of this little oldie! It won me a First Prize ribbon thingy in a funny pome contest. Except that was in a previous incarnation. Hope you enjoy it.

BARTHOLEMEW, THE SNAIL


Now this here's the tale o' Bartholomew Snail
and his trouble emitting a fart
But 'Bartholomew' ain't all that easy to rhyme
so from here on, I'll just call him "Bart"

Poor Bart he was slow for a young escargot
and he never quite mastered the art
of extending his anus outside of his shell
when he knew he was going to fart

So as you'd expect all his methane collected
inside of his shell like a bubble
'til one day the weight became too much to bear
and he figured he might be in trouble

So Bart made a call to the doc, who said, "Y'all
better haul your ass down here an' pronto!"
"I'll get there as fast as I can!" answered Bart
Then he hit the road north for Toronto

By around 10 pm, he met up with two friends
after travelling 'bout twenty feet
"You ain't gonna get there tonight .. " one pal said
".. so you'd best get yer trail off the street!"

"You're right!" agreed Bart, as he let go a fart
which of course remained inside his shell
"What say we all go pitch a tent in the mud?"
and his one buddy said, "Might as well!"

So they all looked around 'til they finally found
a real nice little murky quagmire
While his friends set up camp, Bart went off to collect
an assortment of twigs for a fire

Well, Bart he done good at assembling the wood
but remember he wasn't too bright
As the three gathered round n' sang "Bobby McGee"
that's when Bart asked 'em, "Who's got a light?"

Methane as you know has a proneness to blow
when exposed to a source of ignition
A lighter will do it, a candle or match ..
such a volatile predisposition

And so it went down, a Bic Lighter was found
as deep into their pockets they delved
Ol' Bart clicked the Bic and now he n' his pals
are mere SHELLS of their old former selves

The End