OOPS!

“This is a populated planet, Navigator! Didn’t I ask you to locate an empty world to dump that contaminated fuel? It’s too late to reverse course now, you idiot, if we intend to make it to Tau Ceti before the middle of next week.”

“I'm sorry, sir. You did request an uninhabited planet, sir, and I admit the delay will cause problems for the ambassador. But in my defense, sir . . .”

“Beginning our descent on my mark . . . Mark! The ship will make landfall in 140 local minutes. You have just that long, Navigator, to find a landing site where the natives won’t discover us.”

“It’s really not my fault we’re late, Captain. It’s thanks to your jaunt to see the moons of that gas giant we passed . . . sir.”

“Hrrmph! . . . Tsk tsk. Not only is this planet inhabited, but it appears to be quite crowded. And besides, I’d say the natives are most likely a space-faring race. Navigator, you are to change course in four minutes . . . ”

“Change course! To what, may I ask? And why? Sir?”

“On our present course, we’d be landing too close to this planet’s equator. It’ll be far too crowded there to land in secret. Head for one of those poles or the other; either will be less crowded than the equator.”

“That’s highly unlikely, Captain! And it’s far too cold at the poles to land! By the time we set down, our good fuel will be frozen solid!”

“Don’t be an idiot! According to my controls, it’s not that cold!”

“Captain, I’m telling you! We should head for that large landmass there, just a bit north of the equator.”

“We ‘should’ do whatever I say, Navigator! I’m the Captain, and it’s my decision and mine alone! And I say head to one of the poles!”

“Here’s the First Mate, Captain. Let’s ask him who’s right.”

“I don’t care who’s right! I’m the Captain! What do you have to say, First Mate?”

“Are you two at it again? Please, Captain, couldn’t you come to some kind of compromise? Maybe the navigator is right this time, sir. It seems to me there’s a landmass not too distant from the northern pole that might be a very good place to land, if we want to stay out of sight.”

“Hmm, yes . . . Well, you may be right, First Mate. This . . . navigator certainly doesn’t know the first thing about planetary conditions. And besides, it’s my responsibility! And I have decided. We’ll land on the far northerly landmass.”

“And you, sir? Do you agree?”

“Oh, I guess so. But next time we have a schedule to meet, he shouldn’t be taking side trips to odd moons or gas giants.”

“Of course not, sir. I’m sure the Captain will stick to the schedule from now on, won’t you, sir?”

“Hrrmph.”

“Hellooo in there, people. Is everybody decent?”

“Hmm? Oh, it’s you, Miss. Hrrmph. I’m very sorry, but you know passengers aren’t allowed on the bridge, especially when we’re making landfall.”

“Oh, but Captain, dear, I just wanted to see what you all were doing. Interstellar space travel is so fascinating, and wandering around this huge ship all alone is really, really boring. So I just came to ask when we’re going to land. And while I’m at it, I’d like to know why in the name of sweet reason we’re landing here anyway, of all places? You do know, don’t you, that I’m due on Tau Ceti III in just five days to be married to the ambassador? The way things have been going, it’ll most likely take us at least twice that to get there.”

“We’ll be landing here in just two local hours, Miss. We have to offload some cargo, and we’ll only be here for a short time. And, hrrmph, may I ask why you're wandering around the ship, anyway? Aren’t you supposed to be preparing for your wedding?”

“I have been, Captain, and now I’m bored. Oh, Mr. Navigator, there you are, sweetie. Little Ookums has been looking for you all over the ship. She adores you, you know.”

“And I adore her. Where is she?”

“She's right here. Come on out of Mama’s handbag, Ookums, it’s safe.”

“Hello there, Ookums, how are you? Oh, I’m sorry, Miss, she jumped right out of my hands!”

“Look out! Get away from my controls, you blasted pest!”

“Captain! My poor Ookums is just looking around, isn’t she, Mr. Navigator, sweetie?”

“Leave my navigator alone. Hrrmph. I’m very sorry, Miss, but my crew and I have a lot of work to do. We can’t be chasing some little yippy creature around the bridge. And I believe the little . . . creature is looking for a place to pee! First Mate, will you please get them out of here?”

“But, Captain, dear . . .”

“Get that stupid animal off my bridge!”

“Oh, Miss, I'm sure the captain doesn’t mean that. Captain, surely they can stay; the poor little thing isn’t hurting anything, is it?”

“Navigator, I mean what I say! First Mate! Call the lady’s bodyguard, and get them off my bridge!”

“Aye, aye, Captain. Sir, please try and catch Ookums and put her back in the handbag while I call the bodyguard.”

“Certainly, First Mate. Whatever you say, First Mate. You’re the boss, First Mate.”

“But I want to watch you land, Captain, dear. Can’t I please stay, just until we land?”

“NO!!!”

“Wait, Captain! My navigational screen shows there's something directly ahead of us. It looks like some sort of flying animals! They’re right in our path! And they’re pulling an open vehicle with some kind of life-form; it seems to be red! We’re going to hit it! Look out!!!!”

***

“It’s WKPX News A.M. on this Christmas morning, folks, and we’re bringing you a breaking story. No Santa gifts were found under trees anywhere in the world this morning, and the last sighting of Santa and his reindeer was at 11 p.m. last night, over Iceland.

“In a separate story, we’ll be bringing you reports of strange sightings of a brilliant blaze of light in the sky last night at midnight.”