Pain

For years I held this pain in I never thought that I would be ok or that I would ever heal,Maybe I can maybe I can maybe I won’t ever allow myself to heal from the youngest I can remember of wanting to die of wanting to kill myself I never got the talk I needed all I got was the hand of brother who said I should consider how everyone would feel but how can I do that when my family don’t really take my feelings in the same people who never checked in on me the type of people who just did the same thing over and over. A mother who did drugs who’s drinking made her mentally abuse even when she is sober the littlest thing would make her curse you out call you an idiot a fool spit at you call you a motherfucker put her hands on you I fought back and I was wrong but no one would say she was too. She would never say sorry what her apologize was just come spend tome with me never how are you Shawn, just I’m going to kill myself Shawn, I’m sick Shawn I don’t feel well Shawn. Just pain and more pain never seeing how I felt how my mental state is trying to make me into something Im not. A sister who only used me for scams as I got older who only called me to babysit never asking me how I’m doing asking if I need money only through the times I babysat her Kids not taking my feelings once. A brother who calls me his bestfriend but at a moment notice would change everything the times he punched me young when I said I wanyted to kill myself never once asked me how I’m doing just that I’m a man and men don’t look for apovel the times he made me feel less then myself even now as much as I need him he gave up on me because as he said ni matter what she did I went a step above.a man who said he is the only thing helping me from my mother but he wasn’t it was my friends the amount of times he yelled when I didn’t agree with him or when he will say one thing to me and say another to my mother who never said I’m doing the best I can but just said do better and Brought me down more who would pick sides even knowing I’m doing the best. The amount of pain my family caused me I cant seem to put into words I felt broken more and more I don’t feel the joy of the things I did beforehand I just cant feel happy I’m scared to fall in love I’m scared that the toxic seen felt and heard I will put towards the people I call my friends and the ones I will love.