Finding forgiveness for my dead father, while camping in a retired fire tower. |
The Fire Tower Seventy feet above mossy ground a retired fire tower continues to watch evergreen spires stretching to the horizon. Ten feet for each year since my father had become an etched granite stone, as silent as I remembered the man who rested beneath. I remember the blue metal box descending, cold as my heart, feeling only relief from endless yearning for acceptance, attention, a hint of understanding. As dusk falls upon our glass box lightly swaying, my camping companion paints a silver lining: her aging father hunting for unfamiliar gentleness. Her words catch me off balance. I stumble and fall from my safe perch aloft, a waterfall of forgotten moments crashing to a distant ground. My father snatching me from drowning, steadying my first bicycle as I pedaled, unrolling a huge roll of plastic that became A long soapy slide on a hot summer day. My father’s boss offering me my first real job. My father’s impish shit-eating grin. Decades of blame, perceived neglect, erodes in a river of memories and tears. All I can say: “I never cried at my father’s funeral.” Picturing my father, barely sixteen, driven by puberty and his first crush, unaware a family would be thrust upon him so young. In a secluded tower, a world from any streetlight, darkness grows so complete that stars blaze white in spaces I once thought empty, I finally see he’d done his best. |