Melancholy Thinking 2: Deep Seeded Pain

***Trigger Warning*** Don't read this chapter if self-harm, rape, or alcohol/drug abuse rubs you the wrong way.

It's been over an hour and I still hear yelling, but it's mom screaming at Emma and Rachael. I told her everything, and I did tell her I did punch the wall, but what would she rather. I break my hand on the wall or their faces and serve jail time. I'm in my room, and soon I'm called out. Once I walk out Rachael and Emma are gone. Mom waves me over and the second she hugs me she lightly sobs. She can't stop telling me how much she loves me and doesn't want me to die, and I shouldn't be scared to tell her anything. While hugging her I look down and I see a pill bottle. I already know she is high, but she's holding me.

I just hold onto her tighter and just begin to sob uncontrollable in her arms. That feeling of her holding me and rubbing my back calmed me and finally she moves me away and we face each other. "I know I haven't been the perfect mother. I want you to know that we won't be having them here anymore if they make you feel like that." She says with tears rolling down her face. "I want you to have a home where you don't have to worry about anything. You're barely in high school and yet you have this much rage. It's not healthy but now I'm going to make it all about you. Whatever you want." She says, but in actuality I really don't want anything.

I just told my family I'm suicidal because of the stress they put on me. I really just want to be alone, but can't built up the strength to move. Soon the phone ring, and once mom picks it up u hear its the school informing mother I've missed school. Finally I get up, and once I walk out I say I want to be alone right now. I walk out and when I see the living room all I see is the memories of the past since we moved in. A new house was supposed to mean a new start, but all I see is a cycle. I close my eyes tight and say, "Three more fucking years." I walk into my room and just sit against my door. While sitting there I have a repeat of the past weeks of arguments.

The silence is so loud that I begin to hear the screaming of the past, but instantly everything went quiet. "Pssss, you are nothing. You don't belong here." The voice is unrecognizable, and I can't pinpoint where it is. "You should just do it. No one will miss you."

I finally grip my hair and I try to block out the voices, but the more I ignore them the louder they get. "You are adopted, no one loves you. You are just a waste to the point your own real mother didn't want you." I want to scream but I can't, but as soon as the voice came its gone, and I'm left with nothing.

"Hey, Ethan." I hear a light knocking on my door. "It's mom I'm just checking in on you." She tries to open the door, but I don't budge.

"I'm okay." I say and that rage is still there. "I'm going to go outside for a bit."

"Just remember. You can't have what you have bottled up. Its got to come out somehow." She says, and just as quick as she was there she's gone. My hand still hurts, but at least I know I'm still human.

I get up and walk out the front door. I can see mom is by the oven, and I walk into the back yard and I see the shed. The very shed I used to break into for quiet nights. Its completely weathered out, and when I walk up to it I see my own ugly mug reflected from the dusty glass. I turn away, but then the voices return.

"Who would love you? Ha, no one will love a piece of rez trash just like you. Still crying over spilled milk." I hear Emma's voice, but its quiet and passive as though it came from another room. I look down and I see a small crowbar and the second I pick it up I hear the voice one last time. "Kill yourself."

"Shut up, shut up, shut the fuck up!" I scream with all my might and I swing the crowbar onto the plywood wall. I can hear the crowbar hit a metal cabinet and that makes my arms vibrate so much they hurt.

"Of course no one loves you. Who would love a rage filled maniac!" And I swing again. I keep swinging until the whole wall is gone and my arms are tired. I use the crowbar to completely break the walls down, and soon I'm back at the front and I see the door. I just throw the crowbar to the side and I begin punching the hollow door gripping onto the supports and rip them out as I continue to rip the door off the hinges and keep slamming it against the studs. Soon I'm left with nothing but a ruined shed.

I look into the window and I see myself. Hair completely a mess with wood chips and leaves lining my hair. A few scratches on my face, and this is when I see my reflections nose flinch and the pissed off look I cocked my arm back and sent my hand threw the window. Hearing that glass shatter actually made me feel happy. Once I pulled out I turn and sit down on the cinder block steps.

Even the one person who loved me outside the family was a messed up person. I can still hear her beautiful voice telling me I'm her whole world, but then my mind flashes to her on top of me, and the crazed look on her face when she was bouncing. When I got feeling back I realized she had my pants off and I'm in her bedroom with the world still spinning. My arms bound with shoe strings, and her crazed voice telling me we will be together whether her parents want her to or not, but just when I think about that I think about another time in the school's bathroom another boy was feeling me up and telling me everything I feel is natural. I can hear the birds chirping, but at the same time I can hear the girl, and the boy both telling me words of affection. I can still feel how they both had me. Only one was rubbing me out, the other is forcing me into her, and right when they both climaxed I was snapped back into reality when my hand felt suspiciously warm.

I took my hand out of my pocket to only see it's bleeding really bad. This is when I realized I got cut somehow. I don't even feel the pain. I look at the cut and its a good sized gash on my pinky. I can even see the bone, but I just wrap my finger with a bit of cloth, and walk into the house from the back door.

"Ethan. Dinner is on the stove. Just take what you want and, oh my God!" She stopped misstep to see my hand leaking of blood. The look on her face told me she thought I cut myself on purpose.

"Its not on purpose. I just took out some frustration on the shed and got cut on some exposed nail." I lie still feeling a bit of glass on the inside of my hand. As I walk into the bathroom I run my hand under cold water and was met instantly with an electric shock of pain. I groan out as the blood turned the water a dark crimson red. Looking at the blood just flow from my finger I see it circle in the water and down the drain. It looks like what a blackhole would look when its absorbing partials of light.

Soon I hear a knock on the door. "Hey, Ethan. I think you should go to the hospital, but at the same time it's up to you. I don't want to force you to do something you don't want to do, but I will say this. I love you sweetie. There is nothing that's going to change that." She says and she opens the door and walks in. I just pull my finger from the stream of water and she just grabs my hand. "You still may need to go in just for shots because of it being an old shed. Maybe a few stitches." I just shake my head.

"I honestly don't give a fuck anymore. Let me do this myself. I got it." She just shakes her head, but she puts down a bottle of high percent alcohol. Looking at that bottle I'm instantly brought back to when my cousin and I would break into people's summer cabins and drink their booze.

"Dont drink too much of that, and I understand where you are. I know what you are thinking, and I will just say. Just don't. I don't need anyone dying for any reason." She says and before she leaves she gives me some pills. "Pain killers. Now I usually won't do this, but that looks really painful and I want you to know I respect your decision to be alone. Emma and Rachael are not welcome back here anymore." It's funny. I honestly forgot about them, but hearing their names made a replay of last night and the pain that was slowly getting worst, but I didn't care. I actually sort of liked it.

While cleaning the blood up I glanced into the mirror and see mom had even closed the door. With that o brought my finger up to my mouth and put my tongue on the wound. First thing I felt was a huge spike of pain, but then my tongue tastes the blood. The irony taste didn't taste too bad to me. I actually liked it, but then I glanced down to see the small round pills. Without a second thought I popped them both and went bottoms up with the booze before spilling it on my hand and screaming from the burn.