It is what it is

I wonder if there will ever come a time where I can be honest with myself and know without doubt what I want to do. Just ended things with Joey. I don't know how to deal with it. I can't wait until I become older and more mature. I honestly don't think I'll try the whole "being in love" kind of thing again. Ever again or at least for a long while. Now that I know what it's like, I don't want to lose it again. Having so much trust in someone and wanting only the best for them is kind of hypnotic. I don't think he knew how highly I thought of him and how much I actually treasured him, but that's fine. I wasn't nor will I ever be much of an expressive person. It's crazy to think about how you, yourself can actually like the small unique things about someone. The slight change in their voice when they're smiling widely, the full on laugh they make, and the little jokes that you pretend not to find funny. I never thought I'd like someone so much, but there we were. I texted him the moment anything exciting happened and didn't even care if he didn't return the energy since it was him. I think I'm feeling sad, knowing that it's the end. That's dumb of me to say, ofc I'm sad. I'm extremely sad. There are tears piling in my eyes, but I'm trying not to let them spill. Since I hate feeling weak. I hate the thought of anyone seeing me in such a weak state. So, although I won't say this to you, thank you. Thank you for introducing me to a whirlwind of new emotions.