Cycles

I yearn
I mourn
I miss
I ache
I cry out
I let my mind wander
I chain my thoughts
I distract
I numb
I let myself feel
I react
I hurt
I anger
I scream
I damage
I try to fix
I make a mess
I sink
I swim
I give up control
I float
I try to let go
I tell myself lies that feel like truths
I write you off
I think
I remember
I reflect
I wonder
I shake my head as if to dispel thoughts
I try to train my brain
I meditate
I breath
I whisper loving words to myself
I give myself a hug
I remind myself I don't need you
I talk
To others
To myself
To anyone who will listen
I get tired of hearing myself talk
I get tired of myself
I take my meds
I exercise
I nourish myself
I slip up
I spiral
I practice and practice
I zoom out
I laugh
I learn
I think about you
I think about me
I feel less like dying
I don't cut anymore
I entertain the intrusive thoughts
Knowing they are just thoughts
I plead
I beg
Anything to not feel this way
I plan
I feel a flicker of excitement
I can focus on something other than you for a few consecutive moments
I recognize progress
I compare
I despair
I remind
I fall behind
I pick myself up
I try to be gentle
I empathize
I reminisce
I can't help it
I feel and feel
I cry
I cry
I cry some more
I sleep
I wake
I yearn