Killing A Part Of Yourself

There was a time that I was an avid diary writer, then one day I found out my mom was reading them all.
I stopped writing.
I felt so lost that I started writing again, but now the difference was that I started hiding my dairies.
Yet, somehow my mom found them and continued reading.
When once again I found out, I told her not to do it.
Just stop reading it.
I even was at a point of begging her not to read what I write as it's my writing. It is me on that paper.
But it continued, and I just stopped.
I stopped writing.
And I made the biggest mistake of my life.
I do not blame my mother for pushing me to the point that I stopped pouring my heart out or maybe I do.
But the worst thing that came out of it was that I started bottling everything up.
I started keeping all my emotions, thoughts and feelings inside me.
And I did so because I was never used to sharing what was going on with me.
I was so lost in my world that I had no idea about how to share anything and everything with people.
I started wondering how people had best friends and how they shared everything with them.
Does not the fear of being judged and not understood eat them alive?
To this day, I am in this predicament.
Even today, when I take out my diary to maybe just to spill some of the bottled-up stuff, I cant.
Words do not come to me.
My hands fail to move on the paper.
All I end up making are some scribbles.
Some abstract stuff, that has no semblance to what is going in my mind.
They are just toddler strokes.
And this is when I start to pity myself.
I pitty how being an English major in a well-renowned university does not even help.
As I failed to write.
Failed to put it out on paper.
That is just sad.
I became a person who used to have four diaries per year to having none.
Stopping my diary writing habit is now one of the biggest regrets of my life.
It was me who killed a part of me.
I, myself, murdered a huge part of me.
Just because of the fear of being judged, misunderstood and exposed to my mother and even to society.
That is what fear does to you.
Fear cripples you to the point of no return.
And yes overcoming one fear is never easy.
But from my experience, I will suggest that try.
Try to overcome your fears no matter what they are.
Do not let your fears conquer you and make you kill a part of yourself.