Nearly a year

The last few weeks despite being the happiest i have been in as long as i can remember have been frought with anger grief and emotion i dont honestly know how to write about.

Im feeling the anger ive held onto for nearly a year since my mother has died combined with the grief of the same. My anger isnt all toward my mother but my ex husband who has in my book, tried many times to completely break me; my spirit, my drive and my relationships with my children.

Im angry that my mother died in the midst of my life crisis when i needed her. Im angry that i was the last one to see her alive, the last one to hug her, angry that the last thing she told me would be the last thing shed ever tell me. Im angry that i found her dead sprawled across her bed with her mouth agape and eggplant purple, arms spread out like she was spreading her wings. Im angry and over come with the grief shes gone and i cannot talk to her and cannot seek her motherly advice on how to navigate this time in my life. That i cannot draw from her experience as to how to deal with divorce and children that are grown and angry and blame me.

I grieve that i cannot introduce my boyfriend to her and get her opinion and hopefully her approval.

The tears are just below the serface waiting to stream down down my cheeks and create the ocean that Alice cried.