Grief is an Illusion

If you close your Heart and Think Blank thoughts you can survive. Too many things bombarding my brain is allowing me to Survive. Daddy left me just over 4 months ago and NOW momma is preparing for her own departure.
I cannot express my own emotions because I feel I need to be prepared to be support for other humans. I have been conditioned to limit tears. Beginning at age 12y I knew I HAD to keep it together. "Death is part of Life. If the departed has received Salvation then there should be no tears." I grew up with my Great Grandmother as an active part of my Life. Her death at a Ripe Old Age was obviously a given.
My paternal Grandmother was diagnosed with Breast cancer when I was 9yrs of age. Her Mastectomy was proof of the seriousness of her illness. I was almost 14yrs old when a case if pneumonia was found to be a Metastatic Mess. Everything happened so fast that there was barely any time to process this in my adolescent mind. I knew it was Bad, her children & siblings returned to Lacey to have their Final words with her. That day snuck up on me, I came home from a day of babysitting to a full house. Several of Grandma's siblings were gathered in our living room, I knew it was Real. I simply said a mere Four words with little intonation. "Grandma died didn't she".
My cousins cried while I consoled. I was told many times by some that I was Lucky that she was such a big presence in my life.
I am proud to have had such wonderful Women as part of my Upbringing though a part of me went numb, changing me irrevocably.