more to the saga

So i have come to a few self discoveries in the last week and here they are in zero particular order. May you laUgh, cry, or rage along with me.
40
When you start dating after having been married for 22+ years and you are over 40, IT SUCKS. so i took the plunge back in December and got on that stupid app Tinder. I met a few folks but one stood out. we started talking and it was awesome. we got on really well decided to meet up. we had an amazing time. let me be honest, I started to catch the feelings. I got butterflies in my belly and the thought of him brought a grin the size of the universe to my face and when he kissed me that first time, he became a thief that snatched my breath from out my lungs as if it were the coins in my purse. The day before Valentine's day he tells me he isn't going any where. He wants the long haul. He lied. He became the phantom and disepated into the atoms of the universe. Not one words has been texted, uttered or answered since . So much for not going anywhere. It has made me realize, maybe I wasn't quite ready to see the other fish in the great big ocean of the world of possible partners.
I also realize, my worth is so much more than the red flags I didn't see. If you can't invest the same amount of time and energy into me as I am into you: you got to go. If you leave me scratching my head wondering if I matter. Goodbye, have a good day No Nichole for you.
With the right person, I know I can be the key that opens doors for you you never thought possible. You will know with out any doubts that YOU MATTER to me. I want to find the person that does that for me. I want that AFTER I have become that for myself. I want that special person out there to add to my already happy heart to my worth, my confidence. I want them to have the same amount of pride in me that I have in myself. I refuse to become bitter and angry over the hurts that I have. Those hurts are the fires that sharpen and shine the swords that are in the forges of the blacksmith.

It hurts being alone , but that's mostly at night when I want to talk about my day and my dreams. When I want to wrap my arms about someone and kiss them passionately and tenderly and feel skin to skin intimacy. When I need a hug to make my world right as rain on the parched earth in the droughts of the desert. I am trying to give myself the grace to heal and feel all the things that I have to feel and deal with that the last 12 years have brought me. Especially the shit show that was 2020.
I realize that its ok to be just myself. Thats huge for me as I have always felt like i needed people. I know now , I felt that way because I wasn't able to deal with the things in my head that made me sad, mad, scared. I had this super unrealistic idea that I, Nichole, was not allowed to be angry, I wasn't allowed to do for myself, that I must depend on someone else for my validations and confidence. You know what I say to all that bullshit, FUCK THAT. God gave me those feelings for a reason and it is 100% ok to feel and deal with them.

I am a work in progress, I am flawed, I am beautiful, I am smart, I am capable of so much greatness. I don't even know to what lengths of it the world shall see, but see it we all shall.