Control Center

Today's another day where I am trying to sort out and organize my thoughts. Today hasn't been this best day in terms of my attitude. I continuously let myself down, parts of me are so damaged from my past, and these parts continue to dominate the control center of my being. A little room in a dark corner of my brain that’s messy and unorganized. A place where the garbage hasn’t been taken out in a long time. Where pop bottles, candy wrappers and cigarette butts are strewn about on the floor causing trips, slips and bumps. Not even a wet floor sign could prevent the chaos and dangers that lie within. More fitting would be a notice posted on the door stating, ‘CONDEMED’ that would be much more appropriate. This control center is in no shape to be at the center where minute decisions are made nonetheless, big important, and life altering ones.

This room is in dire need of a major overhaul. A total transformation needs to unfold in this space so positive outcomes can once again be achieved like ones from a well-oiled and nurtured machine. Some rewiring of main wires needs to occur because overtime some major wires have been crossed. This has caused some very poor functioning, especially when it comes to decision making and critical thinking.

It needs to be filled with light again, with some warmth, I think that’s a good place to start, so it can be given the respect it deserves. Though until I put the work in to get this space into shape and to what it has the potential to be, I will continue to drive myself insane doing the same thing over and over again, disappointing myself.

I am starting to realize that I have many skills and abilities and I have the potential to repair the damage. That I can clean the mess that has been made, but I can't do it alone. I don’t want to do it alone. I have the proficiency’s needed to get the job done but I need help. I definitely need to put in all the hard work, organize and see to all the work being done, but I’m not a professional. It is time to delegate the right tasks to the right people. Trained professionals to guide, inform and teach me how to regain control and order of my control center and stop letting it control me. The lights been burnt out for a long time, so today I have decided to get some high efficiency bulbs and begin this healing, reconstructive process and give that control center a complete makeover.

My guardian angel told me once, twice or maybe a few times that when your broken you got to find the right professionals to get yourself fixed up again. Much like when your car is broken you simply take it to a mechanic to be fixed and wah-la problem fixed. Putting this process into action into fixing oneself is much more of a challenge. I think mostly because it’s not easy to admit or even realize the parts of ourselves that are broken. Living on a prayer is a great song but it gets tiring in real life. Prayers and duct tape should only be used to temporarily mend the broken. I’d say they are probably the two best tools known to man. But at what point do you get to stop praying for the hurt to stop? And start living to pray for the pain to stay away, instead of just surviving because of it. Duct tape however will most likely always be a part of me, I am kind of a natural disaster. I am just grateful that it now comes in many different patterns, designs and colors even glittery sparkles that appease to my love for the glamourous, the flossy, flossy (creds to Fergie).