2020

The year started with an odd aura about it. There was a crisp sense of something new glowing in the predawn of the year. Thats not exactly true, it was more the smell of cold decay of death like leaves left on the ground at falls tail end. Those leave nurishment for new growth thats about to begin in the months to come. Little did i know how soon the root shooting would happen. The seeds planted ten years before.
For the first time in my 40 years of life i understood what growing pains really are. The death of a relationship that spans more than half of my life. It was traumatic and i thought id die.
Just as i was getting the hang of the changes that were slow, the bombs blew. And shrapnel pierced my heart with accusations told as fact. Lies that poisoned and tarnished .
And this hits just kept coming. I questioned why Mike Tyson was beating me about the head so hard? My mother died. I needed her. Who was going to guide me through the mists and the heavy weighted fog of a lost self coming through separation and divorce. I needed her and she left me to be the last to hug her. The last to express my love. The first to find her cold, stiff and blue ashy grey lying spread in shock on her bed. She left me again. And all i could think was i was a 12 year old girl yet again, screaming for her mother. " take me with you!"

But something happened with all this loss, this aching and tearing of my heart: i found myself again. And i felt my mother whisper through the howling wind "I left because I knew you could do it, you have grown enough and your wings are strong, so soar. And find your current in the sky. I am always with you my dove".
So I did as she bid in my ears and i flew.