Jokes

A man's ego is a lot like a woman's makeup kit.

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I used to be a cross between an agnostic hummer who was always on a bummer, and a non-denomination hellfire damnation cult leader on acid...but it became a bore. So, I decided to reinvent myself into an eccentric eclectic whose mouth is fucking septic, crossed with a hectic sceptic who is quick to deny and agrees to disagree on any subject from A to Z.

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If money is the route of all evil, then why is it that organised religions amass so much wealth?

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I've heard that smoking marijuana can cause schizophrenia...but I'm in two minds on the subject.

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The only good thing about dementia is that every day, you are guaranteed to learn something new.

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I once knew a woman who was convinced there was something medically wrong with her. She would go to the doctor's office and get tests done, but the results would always come back clear.

Her friends told her to relax and one even accused her of being a hypochondriac.

Then one day, after she had her regular round of tests, her doctor told her that she had a very serious illness that could be life-threatening. And instead of being upset, the woman smiled, thinking she couldn't wait to inform everyone that she was right after all.

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I was snorkelling on the Great Barrier Reef one day, and as I swam over the top of a section of reef, I came face to face with a Black Tip Reef Shark. But before I had time to react, it turned and swam away as fast as it could screaming, "Human, Human!"

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Isn't it strange that given the road toll, as we are loading our vehicle to drive to the beach, all we fear is getting attacked by a shark?

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Why do the smallest groups of people make the loudest noise? Because otherwise, no one would notice them.

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Behind every great woman, stands a man in an apron.

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How can you tell an honest politician from a lying crooked one? The honest one is invisible.

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Having a shower at my house is a lot like having sex with the wife...and it isn't because of the pulsating showerhead my wife insists is for her and her alone.

"Yeah, right darling...I'm just going for ANOTHER shower sweetie."

Nope, it's because of the fine adjustment needed to get the temperature of the water just right.

You see, the smallest change can turn what I hoped would be a nice warm shower, into a boiling, near-death experience...or a cold and disappointing one. And the difference between the two is such a fine line, that most nights, her pulsating shower head is the best hundred dollars I have ever spent.

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Three men walk into a bar...
One is a narcissist, one a psychopath and one a priest.
Which one do you leave with?
The psychopath of course...
At least with him, you know what you're in for.

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Flat White Anyone?
Thanks a latte
I actually enjoy a Kopi Luwak blend...
Because I am so full of shit
Infused with a depresso of instant gratification

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I hate love...but I don't love hate.

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What's the difference between a wife and a prostitute?
At least a prostitute ONLY hates you if you don't give her your money.

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FYI, people, I’m not a misogynist...I just hate that women have it so much easier than us guys.

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So, I asked my GF if she had ever masturbated in a public place?

Or had an affair?

Fucked a married man?

Thought about fucking someone else...WHILE she was fucking someone else?

Laughed at a guy’s bad jokes, just so he would take her home?

Wanted to know how it feels to be kicked in the balls?

Worn men’s clothes to work and asked for a pay rise? And got it.

Gender inequality is so not cool…unless you are on the side that gets the better pay, then it’s ok to be indifferent…isn't it?

Had she ever been in love with an inanimate object?

Been in a gang bang where she knew all the guys’ names...but none of them knew hers?

Said things that are regrettable...then said them all again...because life is too short for regrets?

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The thing I like most about a wicked woman...

Is the way she weaves.

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On the seventh day, God was resting...

He gazed down upon Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden when he turned to his angels and said...

"I'm not watching the rest...I already know how it ends."

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An extremely indecisive couple were discussing the merits of getting their near-teen son circumcised...she was for it, but the father wasn't so sure.

The father said, "He asked me why his penis is different to mine the other day."

The mother thought this was something she might use to convince the father it was the right thing to do.

He continued, "It was a little embarrassing, and at the time I didn't know what to say, so I lied and told him mine was caught in a machine at work, and that's why it looks different to his."

The mother looked sympathetically at her husband before he continued, "He laughed and told me HE thought it was because I've been circumcised...and I am lucky that machine didn't rip my dick clean off."

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Back in my day...

We used drugs like they were going out of fashion.

Because they were...

They still are...

And they always will be.

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When giving your life to Christ, why is it he also takes your sense of humour?

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When I was a teen, my parents became aware of my drug use.
They would ask what drugs I was on and I would deny it all.

Then one day, I came home and they had gotten a new dog. Now, this was no ordinary dog
because he was trained to sniff out people who were high...and not just that, he could also tell
how many drugs the person had taken.

I came home one night and I had smoked some pot. The dog came running over, sniffed me
and let out one bark.

My father said, "You've taken a drug tonight haven't you?"

Because the dog was so highly trained, I couldn't deny it...so I admitted that I had smoked pot.

A week later, I came home after smoking pot and taking X...
and for sure, as soon as I came through the door the dog came running over,
sniffed me up and down, barked twice, and I had to admit that I had taken two drugs to my worried parents.

The next weekend, I went to a rave party where I took X, meth, pot, coke and LSD.

I dragged my sorry ass in the door late on Sunday afternoon, and as per usual, the dog began sniffing me all over...
but instead of barking, he took off like a shot out the front door.

I thought I had gotten away with it for a moment when suddenly, the dog returned
and in his mouth, he carried a small branch from a tree.

He then began running around the room and shaking his head.

Confused, my mother asked my father what the hell the dog was doing...
and my father answered, "He's telling us our boy has taken more drugs than you can shake a stick at."

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(I didn't write these...but I wish I had)

Two young Indian Braves were discussing their names when one asked the other, "Why were you called Running Bear?"

Running Bear replied," When I was born, my parents saw a bear running through the woods, and so, that became my name."

Running Bear then enquired, "Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"

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What do you get when you cross an elephant with a prostitute?

A 500lb whore...that fucks for peanuts and remembers you forever...

Or, what about a prostitute and a computer?

A fucking know it all.