Obscure Somberness

         Obscure (not clearly expressed nor easily understood) somberness (sober thoughtfulness), a mood that lingers on in desperation. Many times when I've been overlooked in conversations, I've felt this way. For example, when someone proceeds to walk up to the window of the car or truck, happily talking away to my special boyfriend, Sebastian, they don't even notice that I'm there. I get the feeling that I'm not important (I don't matter). When I begin to talk, the volume is turned up on the radio. If I say anything about it, he responds by saying that he spends hours talking with me. Feeling unwanted (not worth the time or the effort to talk to), I'm being drowned out by the loudness of the music. Hearing the conversation go on and on without even an acknowledgment, makes me uncomfortable, especially since I'm right there listening to it.

         Being in low spirits (despondency), I get very tense and angry. Spending time waiting to be noticed or introduced, I'm not. Eagerly waiting for the chance to speak, there's no pause or break during the conversation to get that chance. "Why does this keep on happening?", I ask myself, or "Am I often overlooked because I'm really that invisible?" Not being able to say anything is very frustrating. "Am I really that dull and boring to talk to?"

         Situations come and circumstances arise; right before my very eyes, this seems to happen. What else can I do, I begin to wonder? When the person you love is sick and you love the things they do, but not remembering the things that you've done together is very sad. Even though we've been through similar things and have endured them, we've handled them in different ways. Understanding that a man handles things differently than a woman, in our own way, we've helped each other out.

         It's a pretty scary place to be in, this world of ours. Known as the coronavirus (Covid-19), many people have lost their lives to this pandemic. Nobody has ever seen anything like this before. No matter what your background is, the coronavirus shows no mercy. Keeping us strong, safe, and secure, are the ones that have built us up. All over the world, our loved ones are being defaced by Covid-19. On April 19, 1984, was the day my father passed away. Through some difficult times in my life, especially during the year of 1974, he has stood by me. Experiencing three major traumas that year, the last one caused me to have a mental breakdown. I've been robbed of forty-nine years of my life, due to the many medications that I've been on. On my fiftieth birthday, I felt so much energy, like that of a teenager.

         To appear happy, I've had to put on the best front that I could, prior to my fiftieth birthday, but I was filled with obscure somberness. The traumas hit me when I was seventeen years old. The course of my life changed during the last trauma. Those who had high expectations of me were expectations that I was unable to fulfill. Nobody believed me when I was depressed, which made it even worse. Keeping me strong was my faith. Even though I've come a long way, it was a hard battle; I still struggle with what had happened in 1974.

         I've been in two videos. "The Rainbow Project" was the first one and "Treat Us Like We're Human", which was the second one. I shared my story on both of these videos. I've been trying to find the video, "Treat Us Like We're Human", but am not able to find it. I've really enjoyed this video, but somehow it has gotten lost. I believe that it was put out by AMI (Alliance for the Mentally Ill).

         For whatever reason, obscure somberness happens, whether it's through a loss of family, friends, or a close relationship with someone who is ill. Whatever the case, even though we're being ignored, remember that we're still as important and beautiful as ever. Don't give up on your hopes and dreams, and do what makes us happy.


Written By Anna Marie Carlson
Sunday, August 30, 2020