Sleepless Mornings

Sleepless Mornings
There's a time I used to wakeup early, so early, I usually had nothing at all to do. At around 4 am, I was already awake, and nothing I would do would get me back to sleep. I went ahead and look at people who slept till 9 or even 11 am as lazy, and careless. I didn't know I'd soon admire their 'laziness', especially when I came to find out that there were no results to show the difference between me and them
"Now that you've been waking up early, how has it helped you, how has it affected you academic, economic, or even social side," I once asked myself. I am used to being my own advisor; my mom died sometime back, and my dad is not very approachable, furthermore, the society I live in is way judgmental, and no personal information can be trusted with anyone
To answer this question, I did an experiment with myself. I tried to remember what usually happens during those times that I am awake. First, I used to study French, apart from that, I'd just scroll through my social media platforms, viewing statuses on WhatsApp, checking out new memes on Facebook, looking at cool pictures on Instagram and Pinterest, and going through fresh arguments on Twitter.
How was all this impacting my life? was this helpful, or was it destructive? Was I getting any better?
Firstly, the impact of tis on my life was negative, and the only reason that made me think it was a good thing is that my dad usually insisted that a disciplined person wakes up early, and such would make it in life. He never mentioned anything about what people woke up to do, or how waking up was related to success
What made me wake up early? Was it the desire to fulfil my dad's desire of having kids that wake up early? Was I trying to prove a point, that I can actually wake up early, and avoid all the scolding I got as a child when I woke up late? Or what exactly was happening?
The above consisted part of the reason I woke up early, but then there was the main one, ANXIETY. I read once while going through Facebook as I had gotten used to, that there is a stress hormone that your body releases that enables you to wake up just I time, even without setting up an alarm; which reminds me that alarms never had any significance in my life throughout campus, I wondered why the hell people set them.
I am no expert, so I am not writing to confirm the hormone story. I do not know all the hormones I need for the normal functioning, or any anomaly experienced in my body, when, how and where they are produced; but I for sure know how my mind functions.
I have been anxious for like ever, and the reason is a human nature; unsatisfaction. Today, I have what I desired yesterday, but then it's not my deepest desire today, so I won't take a chance and be grateful for what I have. Instead, I will worry out myself to sleepless mornings about what I do not have, and I do not understand why I don't have it yet.
Before the day ends, I usually have plans for tomorrow; what I am supposed do and by what time. During the time that I usually woke up early, I thought the world was slow, and intentional at wasting me. If only the light could come up when I woke up, and everybody I needed for the day ahead would know that I needed them not to waste my time, I'd be happy. These conditions for my happiness are very extreme, now I even wonder why I ever believed in them, why I ever thought they'd come. It now sounds to me like I signed against my own joy, that I'd never achieve it in this world
I found out that while going through social media, I used to meditate on the activities of the day, thinking of how to improve the efficiency with whish I'd do them. In which order would I carry them out to save the most time and material, without hurting myself, the person I am to work for, and whoever it is I am working with
Despite all this planning that went on in my head, rarely did the day come out as good as u had wanted. This although did not stop me from waking up early and overthinking all morning. It was a habit that would continue for a long time
Later, I again realized another problem; all my life, I had never owned myself. I never did anything to achieve my happiness, even though I thought I was. I was owned by an imagined supreme deity, the society. Not the society we know and live in, but one that existed in my head. It's like in programming, when real and physical thing are represented and defined using code. There was a code, or rather, a compiler in my head that did the representation and definition.
This 'society' dictated my happiness. I thought if anything causes me happiness without considering it, that'd be unfair, unlawful or unjust. I thought, if I made the 'society' happy, it'd reward me with the deepest desires I had. So, I worked myself up just to get the 'society' to reward me with money, a girlfriend, good health, and a happy life.
My head was a prison. I couldn't go out of my way to chase my dreams because I didn't know what the 'society' would feel about it. I believed there would be consequences if I made the society sad, or angry. Like any other young man, I say so because I don't know much about women, I am not one of them; my blood boiled for sex. The sight of a well-shaped woman interesting and would play with my concentration a bit
The 'society' was also kind of a religion. I equated pleasing the society to pleasing God, because my imagination of both weren't so far from one another. So when I came across salvation, I preferred going to pray, to going to work. I believed working hard only proved my lusting after the thongs of the world.
A problem existed when the 'society' now religion, did not reward me as I desired. I got myself into a relationship that I did not want from the beginning. I only kept it going because I did not want to hurt my religion. I struggled all round, mentally, physically, financially, just to keep what I hated alive. When time came for me to realize this religion did not exist anywhere except in my head, I killed it; not the religion, the relationship
Killing religion is not a joke. When it rooted itself in me, I thought it was the way to go. In my head, everyone was bad except me, and those who failed to recognize me as good were all evil.
Religion killed my dreams, my happiness, my social life and everything around me. I usually likened myself to a robot; no personal life, in fact, no life at all. This is because I was hardly excelling at anything at all except this religion.
I had to find a way out. I had to regain my life, and to do this, I had to know why I gave my life to religion first of all. What did I luck? What was in it that attracted me? What did I expect out of it?
Everything started unfolding in my head, and it was soon clear; it all started when my mother left my life. it was her that defined me, always. It was her that gave ma a compliment every day and showed me unconditional love, despite my actions. To her, I was a son, and in her head, I was a great person, and she valued me a lot. Before she died, they were separated with my dad, and we went to live with him. It was preferred that way because, at the moment, she had no profession, so she couldn't sponsor all our meals, education, and every other thing that constituted life around us. When she left, I lost my identity, I lost myself.
Religion was going to get it back, at least that's what I imagined. I need not say it now, but I will anyway, I was extremely wrong. Religion as been speaking in my head, leading me into expectations that were never going to come
Some common things I heard were like, "I am teaching you to be patient," "You don't have it because your time has not come yet," "You deserve it, I'll give it to you."
To start the retaliation, my head developed responses like stfu, who cares, who do you think you are, live your own life, I'll live mine, among others. It did not help straight away, but it started me on the path to end my relationship with this religion.
I am not the happiest person now, because I no longer care about being above the rest, I only care about me, and me is happy, like very happy. I won my happiness. I now take time to concentrate on me now, not the me that passed, and not the me that is coming. I get the most of what I have now and everything is at risk of being flashed out of my life if it compromises my happiness.
I still wake up early, but not to worry about the day ahead, or the day that passed, but to write down things like this one you just finished reading -😊