Satan's Loss

As Satan thumbs through his favorite book, his gleeful smirk morphs into a fang-framed frown. Page after page, he searches, but the name he covets most is missing.

"She's mine," Satan snarls. "Beelzebub!" he roars, the fury in his voice echoing through all nine circles of Hell.

"What's wrong, Dark Lord?" Beelzebub, Satan's second in command, asks.

"Her name's gone from The Book of the Damned!" he raves. "That means she's safe and enjoying her life beyond the gates of Hell."

"Who, my Lord?" Beelzebub asks, already knowing the answer.

"Beelzy! I'd damn you to Hell if God hadn't done that already," Satan scolds. "Who do you think, you imbecile?"

"Is it Eve, master?"

"You're damn right, it's Eve," Satan rages. "God didn't curse Eve with eternal life to torment her... He did it to torture me! She's been a thorn in my side since the Garden Incident."

Satan contemplates the matter before returning his attention to Beelzebub. "You know, Beelzy...," says Satan, in an almost kind manner. "You've gotta admire the Dude..."

"Who?" Beelzebub asks.

"Beelzy, you're an idiot! God holds a grudge like no other god I've known!"

Satan sighs, then looks into Beelzebub's solid black eyes. "Trust me about this, Beelzy... I know what I'm talking about. God's king among gods."

"So... Do you think Eve's back with Adam?" Beelzebub asks.

"Think hell!" Satan rants. "His name's back on the incoming list, you eejit! Of course, she's with Adam; but I want her back! Beelzy, summon the other Princes of Hell."

"All of them, sir?" Beelzebub asks cautiously.

Satan considers the relevance of Beelzebub's question.

"No!" Satan hisses, his forked tongue flailing. "She's been talking to Asmodeus. Bring the Prince of Lust to me; we'll make him clean up this mess!"

"At once, sire!"