Marriage & Love Undone

Short Essay: Marriage & Love Undone

Tired of not being loved back. Tired of loving so hard and deeply that the other person just takes it all in without returning the flow of love back to me. Tired of doubting myself. Is it love, is it real, or is it just pain waiting to hurt me again? Moved with fear, moved by grace, consumed by fire. I don’t know if I should walk, run or crawl or in what direction. Love once loved me back. Love once held me tight, love once sacrificed for me instead of sacrificing me.

I remember love. I remember being so filled with it that I wanted to burst, but instead my belly grew. Love slowly turned to rage. Rage turned into depression. Passion turned into pain. Engrossed, indulged, engulfed, overwhelmed with emotion. You complete me, but not the real me, the me you needed me to be. The me, I wanted to be, just left the room and left me standing with you. I thought you were there to protect me from me and my past, my fears, my secrets. To keep me from pain, from being alone, from feeling scared. I was afraid of the unknown but holding your hand I thought at least I had someone to pull me along if I had to flee.

After years of hiding in your approval and dying in your shadows I had to come away from under your umbrella. I realized that I missed the rain, the drops hitting me, not feeling so safe. I liked being a little risky with no one to judge me. I wanted to be free again. I didn’t need a father, I wanted a husband that loved me so deeply that nothing else mattered. Problem was everything else mattered, and I was just a notion.

It was assumed that I was happy standing in your shadow, waiting under your tree. I was in pain and I wasn’t all that sure why. I just knew I needed something different. The beauty that once claimed me had vanished, my confidence had started to waver, even my dedication to those around me started to change. I didn’t know where to stand, or if I even wanted to stand. Maybe I should have just lain down and closed my eyes and pray to dissolve. I started to feel like nothing anymore. I was like ‘the help.’ I’ll be here to help you feel loved, to help you do what you do best, exist in all that makes you happy.

The life we lived was no longer created with my happiness in mind, it was now quiet tears, loveless making, and loss arguments to keep the peace…your peace. My peace didn’t seem to matter anymore. Plenty of “I am sorry” met with, “it’s your fault if you had only...” or “let’s just start over” a hundred times. Was it too quick, why am I filled with a little more bitterness than I bargained for? All I wanted was to be me and to love whom would receive it. I admit, there were beautiful moments but there were horrific moments too, like when I wasn’t sure I wanted to wake up or make it home. I was hurting somewhere deep and beyond your repair. I was changed forever going forward. I had to learn how to stand on my own. To trust my own judgement, and to deal with the consequences.