Just Thinking

         Well I have never done this before.... I never wanted to keep a journal in the fear of someone stealing it and making fun of me, but at this point. What is the worst they can do? Whatever they're going to make fun of me for, I have already said to myself several times. :) I don't know how long I am going to do this, I usually don't follow through with things dealing with my mental health. I feel like it is so easy to ignore it or put it aside, or maybe that's just me. I hate this jesus! I can't believe I am writing this to Trixie Mattel music. I don't know what I am doing. Well I wanted to at least write down the dream I had last night. It is such a dumb dream and stupid reason it made me hella sad, but hey it's my feelings! So I am going to feel them. At least for now, until I find another distraction. Anyway, this dream really affected me and I have kept thinking about it ever since.
         It started with me looking up to this man. He was so tall and gentle. I felt I knew him so well. The face was blurred for me, but for some reason I knew he was mine. I embraced him like he was a long lost friend. I felt so at home and everything was calm. No anxiety or stress from the outside world. I can't remember exactly what he said, but it was along the lines of missing me and he loved me. We then lay down on my bed, but it had windows looking out onto a city. We cuddled and for once in my life I felt at peace, and whole. Like I know it's dumb to believe that one person will make you whole, cause you need to work on yourself. But that's what I felt! Anyway, he looked at me and said he had to go.
         Suddenly, I saw couples from the window throughout time. Lesibans, straight, gay couples from 2020 back to the 1950's. For some reason, I knew those couples were us through the years. I recall one couple, two girls kissing in a busy street, I don't know why. After seeing those couples and I guess our history (I am fully aware this sounds so dumb and cheesy), I turned around and he was gone. I was somewhere else with my family. All those realistic problems like work, money, stress, and anxiety came back as easily as they left. However, the worst was that he was gone. I was in tears. Mom asked what was wrong. I explained what happened and she said something. Something saying like I didn't know him or something. I remember saying that I just missed him. I missed the warm peaceful feeling he gave me. And then I wake up. That's when my feelings really hit me.
         Growing up taught me that love is not for everyone and it is not like the movies. This dream just reignited my sad feeling to be with someone. For someone to be my other half, even though that will never happen. I know what people say like oh you'll find the one, you just have to be patient. Nobody knows that! I could go through life without experiencing my first kiss or love. That could happen and no one could change it. I don't know what this dream was for. I still don't believe there is someone for me. The evidence is all around us. The domestic violence and the increased divorced rate. The gay community of just hook-ups. I don't know anymore. Maybe I'll just find some nice cats to take care of until I die.

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         I never thought I would return to this document... I thought I would just write out my feelings on that dream and leave but I guess not! I learned during this quartaine that I like every person on this planet and that I need to be heard and listened to. I guess I had it with my friends and now that they're gone, I really don't have anyone that will listen. Now I know what you're thinking oh just go and talk to a family member or co-worker. But that's not how it works with my brain. I don't like to disturb people with my nonsense. So even when close loved ones ask about me I just give them a usual good or fine. Or sometimes if I am feeling spicy I will simply say that my pain is never ending and I can't find any happiness. Oh that's a good one. I usually laugh it off even though I feel that way.
         Anyway, I just wanted to say that I finally realized I am not dealing with people's bullshit anymore. I don't know how that ties into being heard; however, I walked into work and was already feeling stressed but my depressing mood from the weekend came with me. So through the whole day, I simply wasn't having it. Normal stuff that would stress me out or even make me panic I simply didn't respond. I continued to work and not let it affect me. In the end I felt like it was a good day and I didn't exhaust myself.Usually during work, I forget to take a breather and not stress out. I don't get paid enough!
         Also, I think this new found mood is nice cause I don't sweat about people liking me because someone is going to hate me regardless. Hopefully I will start vocalizing my own opinions and not let people walk all over me.
         OHHHHHH BITCH. That is another thing I want to talk about. My friends in temecula if they wanted to be or not were toxic! They were nice and definitely were nice enough to let me in their group. But they were simply not for me. I will say looking back that is when my confidence started to take a nose dive into I hated myself ville. Oh was it a good time! School fucking sucked my friends were toxic (without me knowing it) and my work was very stressful.
         I do want to start off by saying they are all nice people, just looking back there were many comments and actions that really hurt me (even though we played it off as a joke). So I allowed for the treatment. Anyways the one comment that sticks out to me the most was during lunch I took an art piece from art class my teacher was going to throw away. It wasn't mine but it was gorgeous and it was going to be thrown out anyway. So I brought my friends the art piece and one of them said, "Oh is it yours." I explained the situation and she quickly commented, "Oh I thought you were finally decent at art." Like looking back, that really hurt. Yes my art could get better, but a friend is supposed to support you and she definitely wasn't in that situation.
         Another comment I remember was when my friend was talking about her birthday party and she was listing the guests, when she mentions a couple coming. She said something to the effect of, "Oh yea he is taken, so Ryan don't go all crazy over him." That really hurt and made me really have an anxiety attack. Along with the fact that it was a pool party and that my friend thought I would go crazy over a guy. Anyway I was two hours late to her party due to that anxiety attack. My first time being so late to an event.
         Well thank you for listening to my ted talk. I sound like a fucking misunderstood highschool freshman writing in their journal. God. Well back for wishing Jason Vorhees to rip out my vital organs.

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