Life

24 years. That is the amount of time I have loved, lived and learnt on this planet so far & I'm hoping for many more years to come. I joined this site as a way to express myself, sometimes it feels better to express your feelings to people you'll never know or meet in reality. What's on my mind tonight you may ask? Other humans and cruelty. What I'm about to write is in no way a reflection of humanity as a whole, nor is it a reflection of every soul I've encountered so far. I have met & loved some really beautiful people in my life, ones that give me hope & remind me that life is still beautiful, the ones who give me something to hold on for and be grateful for every day that I wake, but tonight my focus is on the cruel ones, some of whom I still love.

Cruelty & hate in the human heart is something I'm still yet to understand. I've struggled with anxiety/depression since I was a pre-teen and toward the end of 2019, I was at what I would call my lowest. Throughout my life I have been through a lot, drug addiction, rape, bullying, explicit videos/photos of me shared without permission, invasions of my privacy etc. One thing I couldn't understand at the time these things happened and still struggle to come to terms with to this day, is how many people enjoyed seeing me in pain & actually laughed at it. It disgusts me really, to think that other humans saw another human being subjected to such cruelty & no one felt the need to do the right thing? Other humans saw me on the ledge (not in a literal sense but you get the jist) and instead of displaying some form of compassion, it was as if they all gathered with popcorn & chocolate in hand egging me on to jump. Now, I know what you may be thinking "you're a 24 year old woman, grow up" or "that's the past", I've come to learn over time that age does not mean healing, time passing does not mean healing, healing is a conscious effort that requires a huge amount of strength, perseverance, self-love and self-awareness and thankfully, by the grace of God, I am healing from all I've been through.

In the situations I was in & in life in general, I don't have the same support system as many other humans on this planet, I'm single, I don't have any friends & I don't have anyone that really understands me. I have family that I'm close to that I will love for an eternity but even they fail to comprehend the complicated being I am & although they do try their best to be there for me, their support of me only goes as far as their comprehension of me does. I was struggling & had been for a while, it felt as if my whole world was caving in. I have since broken out of that toxic pattern of self-hate/self-destruction & know in my heart I will never get back to that place again, I'm so grateful for life and would never take it for granted again, God knows I wouldn't.

It just.... I guess it just baffles me how humans could be so cruel. Through all of the hardest times I've been through in life, majority of them before I had even passed the age of 18, although most recent would be at the end of 2019/beginning of 2020, no one showed me compassion, looking back on all the bad situations I've been in, someone could've spoken up for me and my pain would've ended, maybe things wouldn't have happened as bad as they did & although I'm aware no human on this planet owes me anything, I'm not entitled to anything from anyone other than myself, it would've been nice to have someone display some kindness toward me. No one really did though, other than those I'm close to. It's as if everyone involved seemed to have forgotten I'm a human too, they forgot that I'm somenes daughter and that I deserve compassion.

A lot of people, who I won't name because it is a huge list, an intricate web of people, a lot of them actually enjoyed seeing me close to my breaking point, it was as if they were hoping I would break and kill myself. Each day I woke, I'd go on social media and see a new post from someone that was subliminally directing hate toward me or directly doing so. It didn't hurt so much coming from people I didn't know well but I found over time that even people I'm close to were involved, that may have been the most painful part.

I've got a really good heart, I'm a really beautiful person inside and out. I have made mistakes yes but I've never killed anyone, never raped anyone or subjected any other human to those really bad forms of cruelty so i'd never understand what I could've done that would warrant such a response from other humans you know? It felt as if everyone had invaded my privacy & was waiting to see when I would break, taking bets on it really, hoping I would cave in & give up on life and looking back now it just really disgusts me that humans could be so cruel.

I don't understand it, if i'd see another human as low as I was, I would reach out to them you know? Even if I didn't know them, my heart would push me to do the right thing. So I just fail to comprehend how other humans could see someone so down and laugh at their pain. It's as if humans get some sort of joy out of seeing another soul in pain, it excites them. It's quite sickening.

Humans are a confusing bunch to say the least. They gossip and talk down on people, judge their every move, then once they die they all gather with flowers & shower "I love yous" at their graves. They condemn bullying on their social media platforms and participate in push-up challenges/similar ones to encourage mental health awareness yet all gather around with their phones out to record tragedy when they see it occuring rather than stepping in to stop it. They speak words of love while smiling to each others faces & then use those same mouths & smiles to spew hate about each other behind closed doors.
Is it because we take things for granted? I believe so. It's my belief that a lot of humans in this day & age lack a sense of self-awareness, lack compassion and lack a sense of accountability.

You see, if I was to cave in & give up, a lot of those people who tried to convince me I was not worth a thing would've been the first ones to send messages of sympathy to my parents/siblings or shed false or maybe even real tears at my grave. And it's the same thing I see when a celebrity dies, the same people who were talking down on their mistakes on social media begin to flood social media with praises & prayers for that individual.

Humans are really beautiful, I know this, I've experienced it first hand many times in my life. They seem to be really hateful & cruel at times though and whether its due to a lack of self-awareness or unhealed hatred in their hearts, it is something that confuses me.

The most beautiful thing to come out of my experiences of cruelty from other humans has been the strength I've been able to take from it & the love. Since I was at my lowest, thanks to all of those people & God who stuck with me through it all, I've been able to cultivate such a pure, genuine & beautiful amount of self-love. I've also found a new lease on life and learnt to be grateful for life & everything it offers me. The hate others have given me has driven me to want to do better, to be kinder, to love more. I've come to realize that although I can't change other people, I can make a difference in my own heart/soul, I can choose to love regardless of what I'm given because I know from my own experiences that another hateful, cruel person is the last thing this world needs.

So although I'm still being torn down by people when I don't bother anyone & still don't quite understand how humans can be so cruel & enjoy seeing another person in pain, I am grateful for the cruelty & hate I've received, because my heart has opened because of it, I've found myself again, I've found a new lease on life and I've learnt I never want to be like that, be like them, a cruel, hateful person that pushes someone who's at their wits end. I'll be kind, always. And I just pray God will start waking up and healing others hearts, otherwise I fear their karma will be terrible.

One thing is for certain though, no matter how hard times may seem I will always remain grateful for this life I lead and for all the experiences I've had, though I may not understand fully why I've been through some of the things I have experienced, I do know that I've learnt something from all of it and that I never would have been able to wake up and appreciate life and all its gifts, acquire the wisdom I have today, be as blessed as I am now, if it weren't for their cruelty & my suffering.

In no way am I an innocent party, I have hurt a lot of people in my journey so far, but this is my story of how I've been hurt so if you'd like to hear how I've hurt others you're more than welcome to request that. I'm on a journey of healing & that involves holding myself accountable for the wrong I've done to others and taking small steps each day to make sure I never become that destructive again. No matter what life or other humans throw at me from now on, I will always remain grateful, blessed and full of love.