How Do I Pretend

How do I go on as if nothing has changed. I feel as if I am betraying you; the arguments and the secrets of the where without even believing there is going to be a day without a tomorrow. Does it matter what kind of box that will go six feet into the ground when I never want to let go. Why don't the others see I am already mourning even as we speak to you. Why can't we just ask what your wishes are? I know you are stubborn and won't give in without a fight! For that I am thankful. How do I call and act as if nothing has changed, when in my heart I know it has. Mom I love you even though you refuse to listen when I say those words. You have seen me from birth and all my struggles. Now my brothers and sisters want me to speak in secret about what lays ahead not knowing or remembering you are a warrior and have always lived life one day at a time. I feel as if I betray you even letting those thoughts cross my mind. I hope this secret conversation ends quickly. Why can't they see you are alive and won't let go easy. I don't know what to think at this moment anymore. I cannot understand I am an emotional wreck. I feel I am just a ghost with this blank look on my face as they speak, with tears rolling down inside my as my heart feels it is breaking. Will I be heard when I say what matters most is what you want.

I cannot say goodbye yet they are discussing plans of the what if's .