Praying to Santa Claus?

It's hard for me to believe that "The Prayer of Jabez" is still up there in the top sellers at Amazon.com. Come on, are people really gullible enough to think you can ask God for materialistic wealth and he'll give it to you, just like that? Who do they think he is, Santa Claus?

Hmmm... wait a minute... lets see now...

Santa Claus: Big guy, dresses in an old fashioned suit, bushy beard, has a bunch of elves to help him out. Gives away presents to good kids, bad ones get lumps of coal.

God: Big guy, dresses in a really old fashioned suit (flowing robes, almost prehistoric), has a bushy beard, a bunch of angels to help him out. Grants occasional miracles, lets good people into Heaven. Bad people go to Hell.

I guess I can see some similarities, and when you consider that one of Santa's aliases is "Jolly Old Saint Nicholas", there could be a religious tie-in there.

I still think the only one who's really raking in the bucks on this whole thing is the guy who wrote the Jabez book. Maybe it's just my cynical nature, being an agnostic, "O ye of little faith" and all that. I know Jim Morrison said "You cannot petition the Lord with prayer", but he could be wrong, you know...

Maybe there's a way I can help busy people cash in on this Jabez business without having to read a whole book. Even if it doesn't work, I might make a few bucks in the process at least. I have an idea, I could write something called "The Letter to God of Jabez", where people just circle the appropriate things that apply. Even better, I could make it a dual purpose letter, to God AND Santa Claus, that way I could tap into the lucrative "Children's Books" revenue stream at the same time. And if you're one of those confused adults who thinks God and Santa are one and the same, you could check off both, just to be safe.

I bet I could sell it on Amazon as a cheap paperback for maybe five bucks. It wouldn't cost much to publish, I'm sure. It'd only be maybe half a dozen pages at most, even with the intro and a couple of pages of phony rave reviews from unknown nonexistant critics. Heck, I'll even include two free envelopes with the deal, one addressed to God in Heaven, the other to Santa at the North Pole. That way you can easily send off the letter after making your selections. (Just be sure not to put a return address on the envelope, though. I don't want you crying to me if the letter comes back to you marked "No Such Address" by the Post Office.)

I've got a rough draft worked out already, take a look and let me know what you think:

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Dear 1.) God 2.) Santa,


I've been a good 1.) Kid 2.) Person


this year, except for when I


1.) Stole my brother's comic books

2.) Fed my fish sticks to the dog under the table

3.) Spied on my sister in the shower

4.) Cheated on the Math test at school

5.) Stole office supplies

6.) Spent half the day at work looking at porn on the Internet

7.) Cheated on my Income Tax

8.) Had a brief torrid affair with my secretary


After which I


1.) Told Mom I was sorry and was grounded for a week.

2.) Told the priest I was sorry and said five "Our Fathers" and three "Hail Marys".


For Christmas this year, I would like:


1.) A new bicycle

2.) Power Rangers

3.) Tickets to Disneyland

4.) A white pony

5.) A new Lexus SUV

6.) Real Estate

7.) A winning Lotto ticket

8.) World Peace (just kidding)


1.) I promise to be good next year, and leave milk and cookies for you.

2.) I promise to be good next year, and go to Church on Sundays.


1.) Yours Truly,

2.) Your faithful servant,


(sign your name here)__________________________

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Well, waddaya think, do I have a hit here or what?

Nah, people aren't that gullible, are they?