Mario

I grew up a Tom boy. I played outside and never liked dressing up. I hated my hair so much I cut it myself one year. I thought mom was going to kill me. The summer before my freshman year we spent a month with my cousins. Little did I know this was her way of turning me into a girlie girl. That summer we spent the majority of our time at the city pool. I was so self conscious about my body I would wear tshirts over my swimsuit. I never wanted or needed that attention. On this particular day I had just been taught how to "lightly apply" makeup. I couldn't wait to get it off of my face!
We were going to go back home the next day so we wanted swimming to be the last thing we did together. My baby brother was still to little to be left unsupervised so I spent the majority of my time at the little kid pool. That's where I saw him. I was used to not being given a second glance so when he sat right next to me, I was a little confused. He didn't say anything, he just sat there. I guess my cousin noticed because she walked right over and said hi to him. They talked about their upcoming school year and I stayed quiet. He then turned and asked for my name, "Desserae", I said quietly. He introduced himself and went on talking to my cousin. Butterflies. That's all I remember from the conversation. We left not to long after that. Did I think of him? Of course. Did I like him? Of course.
School started and I tried to adjust to my new....me? I curled my hair, wore makeup, contacts, and form fitting clothes. I felt like an alien in my own body. I wanted to make my high school years count. I wanted to come out of my shell and be a better version of myself. I didn't want to be innocent, I wanted to be a little bad. Friday night lights in Texas are a big thing. Growing up in a small town football was life. I decided to go to the game with my mom. I ran into amanda and we walked up and down the stadium. That's also a thing to do at football games. We were walking back to meet up with some more friends when I heard, "hey". I turned to see him right there. " do you remember me"? He asked. I smiled, "yes I do". I should've kept walking.
He invited us to go sit with him and his friends. I sat right next to him and he grabbed my hand. Butterflies. Right then and there he knew. He knew the hold he would have on me. He knew I was sweet and innocent. He knew he would destroy me. We talked for what seemed hours, exchanged numbers, and promised to stay in touch. I walked to my mom at the home gate and went home. I was head over heels for the damn devil.
My parents went away almost every other weekend. I was old enough to just stay home. I was sweet and innocent remember? What the hell was I going to do? He showed up one weekend. I was caught by surprise. He asked why I was jumpy and I laughed. I wasn't, I was just nervous to have him there at my house. I laughed. He took it as me laughing at him. I got slapped so hard I fell to the floor. I remember he got in my face and told me if I ever laughed at him again, I'd get hit harder. I sat on the floor in complete silence. Did he really hit me? He walked out my front door and didn't call me for a week. A week. I spent a week wondering what i did that was so wrong. Wondering why he would hit me the way he did.
When I finally got the call he asked if I was going to be alone for the weekend. I said yes. No apology, no explanation just a dry conversation. I cried myself to sleep that night. Why did he hate me? That Friday my parents left right after my brothers got out of school. It was like he was waiting because not more then 10 minutes later he was at my door. He made himself at home of course. I never felt right having in my house like that. When I say he was the devil, I'm not lying. You could just feel the evil radiating off of him. That night we met up with his friends at some rinky dink hotel. There was alcohol and cocaine all over the tables. I felt the most uncomfortable I've ever felt. My face must have had some dumb reaction, before I knew it I was shoved into the bathroom, getting yelled at for embarrassing him. I didn't know what I did so I kept apologizing. I begged him to take me home and he said no. He wanted me to make it up to him. I remember saying sorry over and over. That wasn't what he wanted. He wanted one of two things, I apologize to him by giving him oral or I apologize by letting him and his friends run a train on me. I was a virgin at this time. I had no sexual experience. The only thing I knew about sex was from what I saw in the movies. I chose giving him oral. I wasn't ready for full on sex.
We walked out of the bathroom and I swear all eyes were on me. They all new what we did in there and it made me sick. As he drove me home that night he made it perfectly clear, he owned me. I was his. There was no escaping that. I walked inside and before I could close the door, he shoved his way in. He fake cried and begged me to forgive him for pushing me, for yelling at me, for humiliating me. His excuse was he saw all of his friends eyeing me and he needed them to know I was his. That's when he first told me he loved me. I said it back, not because I felt it, but because I was afraid of what would happen if I didn't.
I turned my back to go to my room, I felt his grip on my hair and him pulling me back. I begged him not to hurt me. He told me to never walk away from him. When he was done talking then I could go. That night, at only 14 years old I was raped by my 19 year old abuser. I won't call him my boyfriend. He will always be my abuser. I lost my virginity to my abuser.
Every other weekend when my parents were gone he would show up. I didn't know how to speak to anyone. I didn't know who to tell. With every slap, there was an apology. With every punch, there was an apology. With every screaming in my face, there was an apology. He bought me little trinkets and flowers to make up for it. He would say he loved me and promised if I could learn to behave, he wouldn't do it again. He would hit me where my clothes would hide the bruises. I started going out of town with my parents to just avoid him. Big mistake.
I went to a party with my cousin. Over the summer her friends Esgar and Mario had become friends of mine. So when I agreed to go out I didn't think anything of it. He knew, he just always knew. He showed up to the party. He caught me in the kitchen talking to Esgar. He came up to us and put his hand around my arm. I thought if he squeezed it any harder it was going to snap. I walked away with him. He led me to his car and I just thought, this is it, this is where I die. We drove for what seemed like hours. He back handed me in the face and accused me of cheating on him. I cried and swore up and down I wasn't cheating on him. He got out of the car and dragged me out. I fell to the ground and he kicked me several times. I threw up right away. He looked at me in disgust and called me a fucking slut. He picked me up and told me Esgar was only interested in fucking me. Since he knew I was easy that's all he would ever want me for. I had to apologize to him by giving him a backseat blowjob. We waited again until he was hard and he proceeded to rape me in the backseat of his car. Only then was I allowed to go back to my cousins house.
The funny thing is, the whole time he accused me of cheating, he was the one doing it. I only found out the week before spring break. I knew that was all I needed do finally just leave. I confronted them at a party at Esgar's house. She tried to fight me and needless to say I fucked her up. I blacked out and only remember her blood all over me. Esgar pulled me off and told me to just go walk it off. He lived next to a park so I walked in that direction to clear my head. I didn't realize he had followed me. I turned when I heard his footsteps. He begged me for a second chance and swore he would change. He swore he would never hurt me again. I looked him straight in the eye and said no. I knew he wouldn't change, I knew the abuse would continue, and I knew he would never stop seeing her. I turned to walk away. Once again, never turn your back on someone like that.
He grabbed me by the hair pulled me down. He then proceeded to choke me. He told me I was a fucking slut, a bitch, and the most disgusting thing he had ever been with. I was going to die that night I knew it. I felt my soul leaving my body. When you are in and out like that, it feels like your head is going to pop. I kept trying to claw his face. To the point where he even bit me to stop. He started to unzip his pants when all of a sudden I could breathe. I coughed a lot but I could breathe. My vision wasn't in focus and all I could see was 2 big bodies rolling around. I couldn't comprehend what was happening, not right away at least. When I finally came into focus, I saw Esgar beating the fuck out of him. I stayed where I was at. I was afraid to draw attention. What seemed like forever, Mario finally showed up. He had called the cops when he found out he had gone after me. I will forever be grateful for those two. If they hadn't put two and two together, well I'd be dead.
He went to jail for 2 years. I had a restraining order on him for 10 years. Considering I was a minor, he didn't have to register as a sex offender.
It's funny to think about it now. I constantly apologize for random things, I breakdown at not being talked to for days on end, I never turn my back on anyone, I cringe when someone comes up from behind me, I enjoy rough sex. I like to be choked, bitten, slapped, hair pulled. I enjoy sex to the point I crave it all the time. Is it me punishing myself? Or thinking this is what love is supposed to be?