compelled to dream

Have you ever wondered how you could love someone so much, yet feel completely alone even when they are there ?. have you ever been so lost that you cant think straight ,or see what is right in front of you ?. I must admit my mind is the worst prison I've ever been in or had the privilege of being captive by. I am trying to embrace what my life holds and the things I see, although my mind makes it quite hard at times, to even put a simple smile on. I have been abused most of my life, am I completely damaged ? unable to be loved by anyone for real ? or is it an invite to be hurt an suffer more in life at the hands of those that find I am an easy target?. I have been abused by my brother , my moms bf and my step dad all within my child hood and even still to this day now. my only out reach is writing. and even that is a chore lately as I can barely afford to keep the membership here to be able to write, and keep what I write on hand. Which makes me delete a lot of the things I write. I guess this line of thinking came to when I recently, met this guy I've been seeing for a month know, who has actually taking the time to find me. The me that has been lost , damaged and buried under so much pain and suffering for so long, I've forgotten the fact that me was still even there. I fell really hard in the short time I've known him, which kind of brought me back here. I owe him a lot, with the effort and the things he does for me to show me that I matter. I really didn't think id ever be loved or find real love, that anyone I met would take advantage of me, as that is all I've ever known anyone to do. People that say they love you yet abuse you or take you for granted. The people that want things but don't help you back when needed. I lost me the real me , the me he's desperately wanting to see and working hard to find me. I am trying my best with everything I can, I hide and bottle a lot, I cant talk about me or how I feel most of the time. I am aware that it is frustrating and I make things hard, even when its not even my intention. In his arms I feel safe home, So safe I can fall sound a sleep like a baby, yet im lost for words and my mind wonders to the most bizarre places. Am I going to loose him?, what if he finds better ? what if I am more then he can handle? what if what it what it. I cant help it. its life my mind is so damaged all I can see is what if and what could happen , rather then living in the now. So I ask this . Has anyone else felt like this? so lost yet safe ? at ease but in pain? and what did you do. I can feel so great and safe but feel like im holding him back. that its wrong to be with someone so great, and that I don't deserve him. He belongs with someone so great, less work less issues. and better looking even. I cant control the way my mind is working and therefor it is my prison of my misery. I know I love him and I know he really means it when he says it back. I know things take work and commitment, but is that really a thing anymore? do people really care to try and be there ? work threw everything and anything and never break up? cause that is me I AM THAT GIRL. I want to fight for everything be there for everything and not miss anything. I want to try and try even when it doesn't make sense to do so. I am a ryde or die kind of girl. I just want to feel loved and deserve to be loved and feel like I deserve it. when your so damaged how and when does this thinking change?. when is it enough pain to deal with before you get a break. I just want to be a better me and escape my mind, even if its just a day. As I lay in his arms my head on his chest, all I can ask my self is do I deserve this? do I deserve someone as great as him? am I holding him back from having better ?
and if I am is this ok of me to do? what makes it ok? this is the constant battle I have in my mind. Still to this day im unaware of why. I wish I could talk about me face to face, just that isn't who I am or an ability I have. I do not know why I am made the way I am, but I do know why I am damaged and live in fear. I fear myself, my mind and mostly guys around me, as its them that seem to break me more and more each day.

im rachelle and this is a piece on the inside of my mind .