nik

Maybe the world really is just black and white.
I was so naive to think it was colorful and amazing.
naive and stupid. an idiot of the finest smith.
I mess everything up and still manage to make matters worse. should I have just given up hope? I felt so different when I was with him. More comfortable than I am with anyone else. As comfortable as I am with a stranger. A confidant who I can share anything with and feel like I won't be judged. Literally fucking crying like a dumbass, but I should've seen this coming. Nothing lasts forever. It was just a farce and false hope. To wish that it would stay forever like that and maybe become even more was the definition of retardation. How am I supposed to tell you how much you mean to me if I can't even voice the smallest thing? I feel so awful that I'm even thinking about cutting. Loyalty is quite experienced and good at advising. One inch seems too deep though. I dont want to hit something important and end up killing myself by accident. I'm not afraid of death or not to my knowledge. Just thinking about how much this affected me to this point, I don't know how to feel. Am I actually going to go through with this? I did. I'm going to be honest, it took my mind off it. Was it worth it? No clue. And I won't know until I'm actually in the right state of mind. The group chat is very nice to be in. I finally got something off my chest. I wasn't my usual happy and overbearing self. I was some train wrecked chick who was confident to say what was on her mind. I don't know if I'll regret it later or anything but I'm glad I talked about something bothering me for the first time ever. I might've lost a friend but I think I made two more. I wasn't too sure before but now that my image is ruined, they might stick along and actually understand.
(This happened five days ago.)
*update*
We talked. Laughed. Smiled. Were friends again. It ended just as abruptly as last time.
Such a brief moment though. Was it my fault? His fault? Honestly, I don't even know. I'm an idiot and really dumb. I thought it was something special but it wasn't if it just ended that quickly. He didn't even dm me after. He said he cared and liked me. Maybe we have different definitions of that. If you are my friend, I will risk my life for you. I will cry when you're sad. I will stick by you even if it hurts me. That's just the normal in my opinion. I cried when I thought I hurt you. I cried so much. Never would I have ever thought that it would've led to my decision a few days ago. I'm quite disappointed in myself for choosing to do that. Now is different though, I feel anger at myself for trusting my heart to you. Wanting someone to be there for me isn't stupid but thinking you were the one who would stay there for me was. I told you the truth and it still wasn't enough. I don't like fighting so that is the end. Even if you apologized now, I would ignore it. I'm done with you. I won't repeat this again.