Am I sinking?

Am I sinking into a world I don’t belong? How am I even living when the voices are pushing me out? The only time there controlled is in my nightmares because it’s already a nightmare. When reality is just a dream you just wonder in panic is this a starting point for my tears to poor for the nightmare nightmares begin? Have you ever fell into a spiral hearing all the voices making a new story? Ever felt you don’t belong like your being pushed out of your own body. Is it even mine I can’t remember the last time I fully had control.. Some days I can make the pain go away but some days I feel I’m phyco. That everything going on is just in my mind. What can I do I don’t know what to do. My life is going down the sink I don’t know if I’ll pop out into the ocean maybe into the darkness. Some days I lay awake and watch the walls come closer making me hyperventilate. I wish I was dead but yet my mind and body won’t let me finish the deed. Some days it’s like everything falling as a waterfall of memories or just the pain with the feelings I can’t escape but. Some days I feel so left out of my body that’s I’m trapped while someone else in control. I don’t know how I made it to live I don’t know how I made it this far. Was I a mistake from the beginning for something else to take control… so in the mean time I will try to keep them at bay.. I don’t want them hurting others I don’t want to see the world turn red.. They don’t need my get away drug of the blade. They are more normal then I am but then again what is normal.. Ha ha. Do do do why can’t I stop this rain on everything I do.. I love the way the rain hides the tears I shed.. The most beautiful thing is when it helps hides the fresh cuts and washes away the evidence. I just want to play it every night letting it consume me. I’ve been wasting so much time being alive that its tearing me from the inside. Maybe my life is just like a never ending song that’s not meant to be seen. But to be heard by those who need help. Or maybe I’m just insane and don’t know what the hell is going on! I wish I could disappear but I can’t even help myself so I couldn’t even face my fears… so let the shadows come and consume myself. Maybe they can help me cut the pain away.