Naked & Afraid

“Good evening, sir, do you know why I pulled… Uh, aside from that empty old pizza box, are you wearing anything?”

“No, sir. It’s… embarrassing.”

“Okay, hand me your keys. I’ll be right back.”

“Just what I need after this. A ticket.”

“Here. Be glad I keep blankets in my trunk. You headed for the hospital? You’re scratched up and bleeding!”

“No… I think I’m okay. Just heading home.”

“And where might that be?”

“Lawndale, just a few miles away…”

“Well, I pulled you over for 48 in a 35 zone, but driving naked is actually good for a reckless driving ticket.”

“What?!”

“Yes, indeed. When I first saw you, I figured you for drunk, but you seem fine…”

“Yes, sir. Haven’t had a drop!”

“Tell you what. Something says you don’t have your license on you, but how about you get me registration and insurance?”

“Sure, officer.”

“Before you hand me that, what’s your address?”

“368 Marshall, 3B.”

“Okay, sit tight.”

“Well, at least he doesn’t seem like a bad guy...”

“Well, this all checks out, Mr. Johnson. And here I didn’t think this could get any funnier! I’m tempted to let you off with a warning, but for that… you have got to explain this."

“Well, not sure you’ll believe me, but promise not to laugh?”

“I can’t promise that, let’s say I’ll do my best!”

“Guess it’ll have to do. Okay, well, I live in a crappy apartment on the third floor with a little balcony. It sounded like the couple below was having an argument. I was just out of the shower and only had one of those big bath towels on.”

“Okay…”

“I like them, you can see I’m a pretty big… well, tall guy. So I went out to listen, but it went quiet. Since I was out there anyway, I got on the treadmill I keep on the deck. Well, the arguing starts again, I’m trying to listen, and the corner of the towel get wrapped in the treadmill. It comes off, I lose my balance, the machine tosses me backward and I hit the rail. I’m tall, I flip over the damn thing, but I manage to grab a part of it. The verticle bars… so I slide to the bottom rail.”

“This... is fascinating!”

“Yeah, until the guy comes out, sees me hanging there naked, and thinks I'm the one screwing his wife!”

“Wait, did he shoot at you? It came over the radio!”

“That was it! I dropped nearly two stories right into a thorn bush, and before he could fire again, I jumped up and ran. Luckily, no one wants to steal an old beater car like this, so I keep it unlocked with the keys in the side pocket.”

“Well, he’s in jail, so you should be fine for now. I guess you’re free to go!”

“Officer? Are you going to tell this to other people?”

“Are you kidding! I won’t have to buy doughnuts for a month!”

(WC-499)