Nothingness

I'm just standing nearby her, watching her smile, laugh and other emotions reflecting the 'good mood'. I questioned myself for a hundredth of time now, why shouldn't I feel what she always feel? Whenever I did something really good, I couldn't feel happiness. I just felt nothing--or rather jealous? People are appraising her, they devoted themselves into her. My parents, I never saw them smile whenever I did greatness.

That must have been answered for now, I 'am trapped by this nothingness for years--a no, since I came breathing in this world full of lie.

I chuckled myself. Even I, couldn't figure out what was happening to me. Currently, it is raining here outside my house and I might not need to go and continue my path to my home because I never had a home in the first place--when did I? Ah, how hard my life is.

"Rose, thank you for lending me some money."

I blankly stare at my sister--daisy. She's smiling and her eyes were lively as ever. Who would not?

"Oh and also, thank you for lending your intelligence to me. I remember what happened a while ago, you help me cheated. I thought I would gonna have low scores again but thanks to you--you turn the tables. You really are the best sister in the world"

She was really happy, it's like she was swaying up in the fine air without thinking anything aside from breathing and goodness.

"That was a fool tactic of you. But thank you for your stupidity"

She brings me evil smile before living me inside my room. I don't know what kind of emotion I have right now. I stared blankly outside the window. I'm confident I hadn't feeling pain, I have no tears to fall of and it is weird.

Feeling nothing is torturing me sweetly. I bowed down my head as I sort of couldn't feel myself. What is this feeling? I live my life spending time thinking, and thinking and thinking.

What is the purpose of living in this world if God putted me in the family that I thought would gonna care for me recklessly, that I thought would gonna tell me 'I love you' I'd never heard from everyone rather I have known or not. The family that would provide me from my needs not just in money but in attention they had never draw because they have my older sister.

I'm not that intelligent but I study hard. Yet my teachers, classmates and parents knew only my sister.

I'm good in house chores, I never spend money for senseless things yet they didn't notice.

Everyone entitled me as an Evildoer because they said I killed my cat. Ha! I did not kill anything, my sister does. Yet they accused me.

And now, they said I'm a cheater because I turned the table. It's not that I care anymore, everyone did not lend even just a slightly care towards me that's why I should return it with greatness right?

My cat, she eliminated the only friend hat I have. I lived up that life for years, I'm tired. It is tiring, right? I feel nothing but I felt tired.

I saw something near of me. I don't know but I held it without thinking anything. That moment I realized a thing and I suddenly smile. This--this is the answer I have been finding for almost 16 years.If I felt pain with this, I'm afraid, I will lived. But if not, I'm afraid I might think world is not really my home.

I started to cut down and blood got out. I felt nothing and that was really fine. I cut another and I felt nothing again. I continue doing that but I ended up feeling nothing.

When am' I going to be happy again? When am' i going to be sad again?

I breathe heavily. I'm lacking out of air, I can't breath fine anymore. I continued slicing, yet I didn't feel pain. I smile without of emotion, the surroundings getting blurry and my breathing's getting heavy. But, I cut again. I will never stop until I feel 'that' again.

I thought really really bad, I'm slowly getting so low until I feel it--the pain. I cried, yes, and that was when I lost quarter of what makes me being alive.