Self Reflections

I am an old woman...too old to have a son, my body has been thru too much, God.

I am just a dreamer, nothing more. Why is it, God, that what I dream in the Spirit has not manifested in my life? You show me the end, but don’t tell me how I will get to where You want me to be. This is so confusing...why do I see the opposite of what I am right now?

I have been waiting on You to deliver me. Where have You been all this time? People with other gods and agendas rule over me. They told me that I cannot have any more children, for I have multiplied and they are afraid that we will be too great. Plus, there is no room in this land for more children. So, because of this, they have made life even worse for me than it was when I first got here. When my enemies triumph over my family, O Lord, Where are you?

I hate this wilderness, God! You bought me out here to die! This leader you put over me doesn’t have a clue where he is going or what he is doing! He isn’t even sure if what he does will prosper. Yes, he is a good leader, he does what he is supposed to do, but he hasn’t given me what I want-THE PROMISE LAND! You said You picked him to be my leader, but it doesn’t look like it by the way he leads and what he is telling me. I am getting tired of hearing trust God and be patient, I want results now! I don’t want to take risks and trust Y’all-I’ve been thru too much as a slave already. I would rather deliver myself or go back to Egypt, at least I had my own space. God, whatever You and Him got planned for Me-Count me out! I want no part of it!

I hate myself! Over and over again, You provide and I still doubt! So frustrating fighting an inner congregation of unbelieving demons! What more proof do I need that God is with me? You tell me to change my ways and I look at You like you are crazy. I can't change who I am. I am a stiff neck, rebellious, unbelieving woman that whines all the time about what others have and what I don’t have instead of thanking You for what I do have and what You are doing in my life. When will I see that God is not against, but for me? Why would You go through all the trouble to deliver me from slavery just to bring me out here to die? That is so stupid! I don’t deserve your provision or kindness. I never asked to deal with myself, but I must. I am the leader and I must lead myself out sin! It’s hard to speak to the rock to get water, when all I want to do is bash my inner demons with it!

I am giving my last away, after that, my daughters and I will die. That is what my feelings say, but my heart says if I believe God and keep doing what I know is right, my oil shall never fail and I will eat bread for many many days. The more I sacrifice to God, the more He will return my seed. I will continue to tithe and give my last pieces of bread away. By faith, he shall supply and The Lord of the Harvest shall remember me.

God, I want something from you that I am unwilling to give to anyone else. I want you to forgive my sins, but I don’t want you to forgive the sins of my enemies. I say, let the city burn with fire! Why should you give them mercy? Why should I help them? I know I was an enemy of God as they were at one point-but I am not anymore. Doesn’t that count for something? I hate my enemies, I don’t want to see them blessed or whole. I will sit here by this tree and wait until you give those ignoramuses what they deserve! They are way worse than I ever was and You know it!

God, I have to make a choice, between my best friend and the father I truly love and admire. My Father wants to destroy him and I don’t understand why. What evil has he done? Anything he asked him to do, he did it as a son-in-law should. I asked my father this question and he couldn’t really answer me. How can I leave his side when he has done me no wrong? No, I will be his friend until the day I die. For the love I have for him is great. That is my brother in Christ and best friend in the whole world. How can you seek to destroy his life when all he wants is good for you?

The furnace is before me. Here lies the end. I refused to submit to the king and he ordered his soldiers to throw me into the fire. What’s even worse, he made the flames seven times hotter than they usually are. I am scared, but what choice do I have? If I bow down, submit to this ungodly demand and save my life, I will lose my relationship with Christ and the family he has given me. No, I can’t risk what I have now and what I will have in the future. To the flames, I go Lord. If I perish, I perish but I will perish in the right.