PEOPLE FOOD

PEOPLE FOOD

Once upon a time, on a planet very similar to Earth, there lived a really big monster who liked to eat people. It wasn’t because he didn’t like people or had anything against them, he just liked the taste of people.

He also enjoyed how they squirmed and screamed in his hand (like I said, he was a really big monster!) just before he bit their heads off. He never ate the heads though—the heads were the yuckiest part—so he always spit (spat? spitted? spatted?) the heads out.

Eating raw people could make a really big monster sick if they ate too much of them, so he usually cooked them. He fried them, baked them, sautéed them, boiled them, broiled them, barbecued them, roasted them, toasted them, glazed them, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera, and etcetera.

And whenever he had friends over for a really big monster get-together, his guests always complimented him on his people shiskebabs. 

Sometimes when he woke up in the morning after a long night at The Really Big Monster Bar, he’d put ten or fifteen people in the blender with a raw egg and a few drops of  Tobasco Sauce™ to cure his hangover.

On the rare occasions that he didn’t want to cook, he’d go to the grocery store. There was people burger, people pizza, people sausage, people salads, people cereal (his favorite was Lucky People Charms with the little colorful marshmallows —“They’re magically delicious!”), people chili, people hot dogs (lord only knows what they put in those!), people soup, people pies, people chips, people chowder, people jelly, people candy (Reese’s People Butter Cups™  was a huge hit), people bacon, people tacos (hard shell, please ), and even people flavored ice cream.

One major fast food chain even had a vegetarian burger that tasted just like a people burger!

SPOILER ALERT!!!

Before you read any further, let me warn you that this story will NOT have a happy ending.

One day the really big monster was kicking back on a park bench while munching away on a people corn dog and noticed the prompt for his favorite daily horror contest on Writing.Com:

AN UNWELCOME NEW LIFE ON THE DAY OF THE DEAD.

A chill ran down his spine as a shadow suddenly fell over the really big monster and blocked out all of the sunlight. He turned around and looked up, only to see a really big people person staring down at him.

And now you know…the rest of the story.

Good day.

Rest in peace, Paul Harvey. We miss you.

Author’s note: For those of you who aren’t old enough to know who Paul Harvey was or have never heard of him, he was a celebrated radio icon who told true stories of the most bizarre and wildest things you could ever imagine.

This however, is not one of them.