Impromptu

Covering myself in excuses,
Fending for myself even when I shouldn't
Setting my bar so low ants could make it
I wish I knew where I was going.

What is it I that can't bear?
Would you also like to simply disappear?
Sometimes I wonder what my sperm form was thinking
When it raced to my egg form,
For now I regret it decisions.

I wish I knew what I wanted.
I wish my thoughts didn't look like noodles
What am I saying? At least noodles are are in demand.
But my thoughts, they aren't,
And I really want to stop writing this shit.

I wish I liked to study,
I could really use some incentive,
At least then my parents would be proud,
And then they'd go brag about me.

I know that if I try, I'll yield results,
but I'm too lazy,
And put stuff off saying that I despise it.
I want my all fears to someday materialize,
Turn into Giants, and eat me up alive.

I want to come up with cool stories and poems,
Give me that with good grammar and vocabulary,
Then at least I'd be really good at something
And then I'd be glad
Cause that would make my all-rounder brother jealous.

And want to fly away and land in a place where I'm invisible,
Somehow get rid of all this commitment that binds me,
A place where life didn't thrive to kill,
And competition wasn't the only language spoken.
Where it was okay if everyone ranked above you,
Where you wouldn't feel so dumb cause you didn't hit top ten.

I guess all I'm trying right now is to make stuff rhyming,
None of the lines are coordinating and I know that the syllables don't fit.
Does it really look like I'm even trying?
I know it does, and I am, just a little.
But just so you know, I'm mostly bullshitting.

I wish grown-ups could stop all their advising,
If they learnt from their mistakes, they should let me learn from mine!
Otherwise, what the hell is the point of living life,
If you simply give instructions and plot my story all the damn time?

True, they'll obviously know better,
But if what doesn't kill you make you stronger,
Then how will we kids ever get stronger?
Do they ever think in that direction?

To be honest, I'm not speaking for myself.
And I don't even know who it is I'm speaking for.
It's not like I want to grow stronger,
I'm just cold and dead inside right now.

I don't really care about anything and I'm
Just blindly doing everything I'm told to,
Like a dead fish going with the flow.
But lucky dead fishes, at least they are dead.

This would be a bit more understandable,
if it were a prose, I suppose.
But this is more for me and less for you,
So I'm just scribbling crap impromptu.