It's Not That I'm Afraid

It’s not that I’m afraid of dying.
It’s the fact that I’m not.
That when I used to think about it
Or dream about it
That I would be so scared that I’d wake up.
Shake myself out of it because I knew how stupid of an idea that was.
But now…
Now theres no fear when I think about it
Or dream about it.
Cold metal against my skin
The drag as it catches as i make the first attempt
(I’m never sure of the pressure needed the first time)
The deep searing bite as my confidence comes back
The flow of red warmth as i hit my mark
The warmth of the water as it caresses my face
The calm as it all slips to black
The calm…
I used to panic long before then, shake myself out of it
But now…
Now all i feel is calm
And that is what scares me
Because if i don’t fear death
Then what’s to stop me from accepting it?
Romanticising it?
Inviting it into my home?
Into my head?
I’m fighting it
But every day it gets a little bit stronger
A little more persistent
And every day
I look myself in the mirror
Look death straight in the face and say
Not today
But i’ve been fighting for so long
The water is so deep
And the shore so far away
I don’t know if i can do it anymore.
I know i’m not alone
I know i’m ‘worth it’
I know my little ones need me
But i’m drowning
Slowly
And all i feel
Is calm.


Do you see now why I’m scared?
Why I hide?
From everyone?
From myself?
Why I shut down,
Internally and externally
Full system power down
Because to me, Death...
Death is physical
Mental
Spiritual
It is the push against your back
As you wait to cross the street
When the light is green and the cars are zooming past.
It is the voice that tells you you’re ugly
As you put on make up and brush your hair
Pointing out every little zit and bump and scar and pit.
The thing that takes your hand and spins you through dreams and visions of what it would all be like if you could just
Stop.
Disappear.
Go to sleep without ever having to worry about waking up again.

Ignoring it is not an option
Working through it isn’t either
So that leaves fight it
Or run from it
And as any good fighter knows
You can’t fight forever
So i run sometimes
From everyone
From Death itself
Hide within my walls where even the thoughts can’t get to me
In my castle tower
And think about cutting my hair.