Angels and Demons4

I was getting high on methanphateme with my dad. I remember laying in bed next to him feel so paralyzed like I couldnt move. He whispered in my ear that he was the boy. It was the most disgusting thing feeling my dad inside of me. I will never forget how dirty and disgusting I felt after that. So ashamed of myself I ran to a discipleship program. There I found myself and til this day I still will not forgive myself of getting high with my dad. Of course we always say its our fault we shouldnt have put ourselves in that postition. But the sin I feel like will never come off of me. I feel it will always stay strapped to me like a loaded gun. I mean what is with that, why is this happening that fathers are sleeping with daughters, and kissing cousins. Have we ever stopped and look around in the world whats going on. Do we get thrill out of it but also theres a dark secret like skeletons hiding in the closet. I mean sure there are far worst things in the world. Like truly kidnapping someone and tying them up and raping them. Is that a sexual fantasy some of desire. Is it more thrilled of it to want it or not want it? Can a woman be crazy enough like that to be okay with that happening to them. But act completely innocent because they tried fighting it but deep down inside she truly wanted it. I remember seeing a shirt that said "You see people I see blood donors." Could I have a sexual fanatasy of a vampire stalker? Could he be real? I remember sitting on a bench and seeing a spider right in front of my face hanging by a string just a couple feet from a branch. I was startled I must say, & then hearing a voice saying "I was just admiring your beauty." And right there standing on the porch a sexy guy I must say, with his arms crossed smiling at me. He was probably late 30s but still looked fine as a mother fucker. So what I like men a little older. Nothing wrong with that i dont suppose. I guess I could have met some cute guys at the oddessy house I was at. But I was to focused on myself and having a son whose already two and not being in his life is so much of a hard burden on me right now. Of course I miss him like no other and wish I could see and be with him. I hope he hasnt forgotten about me. I miss him so so much. He should be in my life right now and I know this. I deserve to have him.