The Remaining Light

The Remaining Light

By Jessie James Luison Ligao

         Everyone has an ambition in life. Most of it was to lift their family from impecunious living. As to Troy, it was his main goal in life. He has four siblings; he was the third. Troy is a college now, pursuing Engineering as it is his father and mother's dream for him. He chooses to go to Mindanao State University in Marawi City. Although it was very far from home, it was the only university that offers free tuition at that time, so he had to make choices. His big sister was also studying there going for Community Development course.
         The only problem is their financial expenses in their rent for a cottage or boarding house and their food. One night his sister visits him in his cottage.
"Troy, how was your Math? Is it hard?" asked Ari, his big sister.
         Troy knew that his sister took several retakes in her math subject.
"It was alright, though not very easy. But I can manage haha." Troy replied mockingly.
"Wow! Edi Ikaw na. Let see if you can pass that. Did you know engineering here is very hard? It's more on math."
"Do I have a choice? You wouldn't even let me take the Information Technology (IT) course. You said after I graduate I will only work in a computer shop." He replied.
"It was the truth, haha." "I have met many; in fact, IT also is very hard. Last graduation nga eh apat lang naka graduate" she said.
"There you go again. You and your personality, trying to discourage me again." He replied.
"Haha, do you still have money?" Ari asked.
"Yes, I still have. Why?"
"I just want to know because I only have little." "Oh, here's food."
         Ari gave him two packs of food.
"Wow, Bourgeois!" he reacted.
         Bourgeois is a French word that they saw in the movie, that means rich people. They started using it as expression after watching.
"Is this from Dining Restaurant? You said you only have little money," he asked.
"Yup, haha. It's a treat from my friends."
"Have you been eating properly? you look thin."
"Yes, I have."
"Don't be so thrifty. Eat properly"
"No, I'm not."
"or, are you just being lazy again?" "Go out sometimes. Stop slacking off in your bed all day. It's not healthy. Go out with your boardmates. Make friends," Ari said.
"Maolaw ko."
"Shyness will not bring you anywhere. You have to lessen it. You're a college now."
"Lagi. Lagi." Troy replied sulkily.
"Sige, I will go back to my cottage now. It's almost curfew now in our cottage."
"Ok, thanks for the food," Troy replied.
         Troy has an unfortunate past. He was sexually assaulted. At a very young age, Troy already know that he is not normal. He was confused as to why he feels feminine. In a family where being gay is not generally accepted. He feels depressed. Affecting his self-esteem and confidence. Even in school, he tries to fit-in. He is giving all his efforts to have friends. Carefully choosing the friends he wants. Trying to find a best friend, but unfortunately, he didn't found any.
         Being far from home, Troy was so happy because finally, he can be on his own, he can be anyone he wants, and do anything he want. Without anyone judging him. It was a new start for him, hopefully.
         During their foundation day, Troy and his friend Sienna, his high school friend that he considered as his close friend, was going to their college. They walk through the grassy covered walk path that leads to their Engineering College Building.
"Our college building is kinda scary, haha," Troy said.
"Yeah! It's like we were going to the forest. The grass here is very tall. It was taller than me! Omg!" Sienna said.
"Haha!."
"I'm so so excited for the foundation day! I hope we will find many friends."
"Me too. But I'm nervous. I don't know how to talk to strangers. Don't leave me okay," Troy said.
"unsa man ka ui! Don't be nervous were already in college. Haha, have fun." Sienna said joyfully.
"I'm not like you, just... just don't leave me, okay?"
"Yeah yeah sure..." Sienna said. "Oh, here we are. There are only a few people."
"Maybe the others are not here yet."
"Are you freshmen?" asked by a stranger, probably an officer.
"Oo kuya." Sienna answered.
"Ah, what department were you from? Did you already sign in for the attendance?"
"I'm from CE, and he was from EE," Sienna answered.
"Okay. Go to your departments to sign the attendance."
"Troy, mag attendance muna tayo. See you later."
"Okay, will meet later," Troy said.
         An hour later. Troy and Sienna didn't meet because they have to be in their respective department for the games and other activities.
"Hala! I thought we could be together. Who am I supposed to talk here. They were all maranaos, I think. I can't speak tagalog fluently."
         Being an introvert, it was hard for Troy. So he started playing on his phone because he had no one to talk and didn't participate in the activities until he saw Sienna with some people.
"That's Sienna, right?" Troy asked himself.
"She was so happy. Is that her new friends? Why is she talking to them like they were close friends?" Troy said to himself. He approached Sienna.
"Uy! Sienna."
"Uy! Troy, where were you? Did you play games?"
"I didn't play. I feel lazy, haha" Troy said.
"Hala why man? You should participate so you can make friends."
"ay! Kapoy haha"
"ikaw! Sige, I'm gonna go there, we will play another activity. See you later," Sienna said.
"Ay! Sige Have Fun."
         Until Troy gets bored, so he left and went back to his cottage.
"It's better here. Okay, I guess I'm still on my own here. I'm going to watch anime all day. My boardmate is not here. He's probably enjoying the foundation day too..." He said to himself.
"Coke? Checked. Piatos? Checked. Blanket? Checked. Yosh! Time to watch."
         Troy spend his day watching anime.
         Watching anime is the only thing that makes Troy happy. When he watches anime, he escapes reality. He feels like it fills up what he lacks. Not knowing it also made him more depressed. His expectation became higher. Expecting what he watches will also become a reality for him.
         Two semesters had passed. All the subjects that he took were all passed. He will be 2nd year in the next semester. He went back to his hometown with his big sister. Until...
"Troy, I know you're doing good in your subjects. But I can't afford any more of your needs for college with your manang, his big sister, and your manong, his big brother. Dili na nako kaya! I'm the only working here in the family. We can't rely on your father. All the money he got from pagpanuroy ug isda is not even enough for our daily need here in the house. Nagka utang-utang na ko. Dili na nako kaya magpaskwela ug tulo ka college. Especially your manong is in private school." His mother said.
"Unya ma? What are we going to do?" Troy asked.
"We talked with your manang that you and your manong will stop muna from college. So that your manang will graduate first, after all she is almost done from her studies, she will graduate after a year."
"Nah..." Troy says sadly.
"I hope you will understand. You already know your manong didn't take his college seriously. He didn't attend all his subjects last sem. I wouldn't have known until his adviser told me when I'm in the merkado selling fish. I was so embarrassed." His mother said.
"Okay ma. But after one year I will be back to college, right?" Troy asked.
"Oo, please understand Troy. I really am struggling right now. I have a lot of debt. I don't know how to pay it all."
         Troy has no choice but to obey his mother. He stays at the house doing all the chores and babysitting his younger sister, who is already now in grade 2 -- and sometimes helping his mother in the market selling fish with his brother. When home, his past environment got back -- getting more depressed. He has no one to talk. He was left alone with his sister all day in their house. So he started watching anime and movies again so that he will feel better. Until one day he forgot to do his responsibility,
"Troy, didn't you do the laundry this morning again?" his mother asked.
"Labhan ra lagi na nako!" shouted by Troy.
"You didn't even clean the house. Nag unsa ra dei ka diri? I'm so tired and this is all I got to see in the house. I don't have any clothes to wear. All the shirts here are smelly. Mag unsa ko ani maghubo nako mulakaw" angrily said by his mother.
         His mother keeps complaining, saying all her problem, blaming everyone until something hit his ego.
"Wala man moy pulos diri! Puro ra man mo lamon walay gipangbuhat. It's very hard to find money. Parihas ra mo sa inyo papa..." his mother said.
         Troy didn't continue listening to her mother, he heads straight to his bedroom, crying.
"Is it my fault? I didn't want this. I didn't stop going to college just to be a maid! Ginagawa ko naman mga Gawain dito ah. Just this morning I just don't have any motivation to work. That is why I didn't do the laundry. Di mo lang alam ma. I don't have any friends to talk to. I feel so lonely. I don't feel at home in this home. Do I have to act still somebody I am not?" Troy says to himself, crying.
         All his past strikes him again in his mind.
"All these years, I have been silent. I want to go out, talk to someone but I don't have any friends that I can call. Best Friend I can go to. No one! If you just know that everytime you told me to go out, go somewhere, go out with your friends, have fun, my inner self cries. I really really want to go..." Troy cries heavily.
"All of you thought that I just like to stay at home! Every time that there's an event in the gym, you think that I just don't enjoy going there, watch there"
"I can't even express my feeling because all of you just says 'OA lang yan' that every time I don't feel okay and want someone to talk, but no one is there because all of you are busy with your work."
"I just want to be free. I need friends." Troy said to himself
         Until Troy got very depressed and hit his breakdown point, he thought of committing suicide. But he was still hoping that there is still someone that he can talk, and the only one person that comes to his mind is his big sister, Ari. He chatted her in the messenger,
“Nang…” the only text he sends to her sister.
         He waited for a minute, but unfortunately, his sister didn’t reply. Troy had no hope at all, he can’t take it anymore. The loneliness, the sadness, the longing, the regrets, all of his frustrations and problems he feels at that moment pushes him to kill his own life.
"I don't have any purpose at all. I can't take this anymore."
         Troy thinks of how to commit suicide. To drink many drugs to overdose himself, to hang himself, to jump to the river. He tries to strangle himself with a rope. He put the rope in his neck and he ties the two ends to the stick. Slowly turning the stick around and making the rope grow tighter in his neck. He cries a lot with a head very heavy blinded by emotions. Then one thing comes to his mind.
"What about my sister? Who will take care of her?" Troy cries heavily.
"If I do this. I will end up giving my mother a problem again. This is also a sin to God; taking one's life is a sin."
"What am I thinking?! I can't do this. I still have a purpose."
         Then Troy cries a lot that night.
         On the morning, Troy is still thinking of what happens that night. He was thankful to God because he reminded him of his purpose in life.
In his mind:
"If I ever committed suicide and decided to drink drugs to overdose myself what if I survive, I may end up giving mama another problem about the expenses."
"If ever I decided to hang myself, it may be painful though; I don't want to struggle anymore."
"If ever I jump to the river, what will happen to my body? It may end up sinking at the bottom or may go to another country. What will they think? Na naglayas ko?"


"Buti nalang di ako nag suicide" Troy says.
         Troy decided to go to church more often. And set a goal next year for his new year resolution to be more close to God. Everyday is still hard for him, still fighting the monsters in his mind hoping one day he will surpass this trials. But his purpose and objective are now more firm and precise.