Haunted

It started innocent enough. I acted like it was nothing. We were introduced because we will be working together. I wasn’t affected initially. Until I started catching myself looking forward to working, talking, bantering, arguing, eating with you, everyday. I pretended I wasn’t counting the hours until we see each other again. I didn’t want to admit that someone like you, essentially a stranger, can break down my walls.

Then you were a stranger no more. From being that co-worker, you became the guy who I constantly think about. Every single moment with you, saved and kept hidden away.

In my head, there’s us. Us is the kind of reluctant love. From strangers to friends, from friends to lovers. It’s the love built on the strongest of foundations. Unbreakable. I’d stop myself often and promise to not be affected. But a smile from you makes me do it again the following day.

I kept it in and nobody knew. For a while. Until people started noticing that with, you I was different. It’s too much for me. I think everyone can see me look at you with such longing it has become pathetic. They ask me now, why I didn’t do anything about it. I wondered too.

But now I know. I was so taken by you because you saw me. Bad temper, crazy spells and everything weird. You really knew me. You knew where I go sometimes when I suddenly get quiet. You knew to cover up for me and take my spot on bad hair days. You stood by me when everyone hated me, you defended me and kept my chin up. And those are really bad qualities for my ice-protected heart. Because you thawed me.

It was all kindness. You were not fascinated, you’re just kind. And smart. You make me see sense, and your arguments, gosh, were always a turn on. You f*$%@* my brain. And you were lethal. You made me fantasize and run away from the glares of reality.

You were just making conversations and to my mind, you were awed. You hold the doors for me, you protect my head from sharp corners, you always turn to look back to make sure I’m still standing and not head-smacked on the pavement while it’s raining because you know how clumsy I can be. To my mind, you were my Mr. Responsible and Mr. Smart. You make sure I eat and that I have my coffee. You check up on me when I feel sick. I thought you’re my forever. All the while you were really just being kind and a gentleman. You were raised that way. And you were really a good friend.

I’m the one who read it all wrong. I made it to something that it’s not. All me.

It’s been more than a year. We no longer see each other, and I’m okay with that. I’m relieved because I’m so ready to move on. But then there are nights when I would dream of my version of us and I miss you. I miss the us and everything we are not. My peace will be shattered for a few days, and then I’ll go back to that numb kind of peace.

Whenever I see or hear your name, on social media, a song lyrics, a value, I smile and another piece of me shatters. I can’t help it, and I loathe it. I wish I could stop. I wish I could set you free and I can move on. But how do you move on from somewhere you’ve never been? Why do I still dream of you? How is it that you still haunt me?